As a kid who grew up in a small town, I found very few ways to express myself…outside of sports.
I went to school, helped out with our livestock, and played baseball.
It wasn’t a bad life, but as I’ve gotten older there are so many things that I wish I’d found early on.
My passion in the written word for instance. Maybe a hidden talent for playing guitar or a knack for creating visual art.
You see, although I could hold my own on the ball field, I was never going to clear the bases at Fenway. Our high school field gave me all the trouble I could handle in that respect.
Unfortunately, in order to tap in to your “sweet spot” as a kid (pardon the baseball analogy), you need a lot of guidance from those around you.
The type of guidance that a stellar single mom would find difficult handle alone.
However, there is something beautiful that takes place when your discoveries happen later in life. And it happens with the birth of that first child.
Turning the Page…Dad Style
Aside from teaching…and performing the occasional wet-willie, dads have the heavy task of becoming master observers.
We’re akin to a good guard dog that’s constantly watching…assessing…understanding our surroundings.
With diligence we notice that one of our kid’s is constantly performing, while the other immediately starts to move to the beat of the song on the radio.
A kind of investigator that can pick out our kids’ passions and abilities.
Practically speaking, it means that I need to pay attention to my girls and their activities. Without this, I wouldn’t have noticed the strong kicks in the pool, the enthusiasm and power in gymnastics, or the pure joy and passion for dance.
I can now take notice of the things that captivate them…help them assess their ability in them…and then stand behind them and cheer until my voice gives out.
Living with Them, not Through Them
There is a real danger in parenting from a place of regret however.
We could very easily begin to live life through our kids instead of living life with them.
By all means, assess your experiences and make changes as you see fit. But the point is to give your kid’s an opportunity that you didn’t have, not to relive your youth.
You want them to find their “thing” not be forced to succeed in yours.
The fact that you may be discovering some things late in life might actually be an awesome learning experience for them.
Who better to show them how important perseverance is?
Invest, don’t Reinvent
These tactics are really common sense. They simply require an investment of time and energy.
Other than some focus, and a little attention to detail, dads need not reinvent themselves to succeed here.
Just remember your struggles and frustrations…then help your kids navigate through them.
You can be assured that their lives will be enriched in the process…and so will yours!
Good Reminders Keagan. The hardest part about this is spending time with our kids in a purposeful way, not just “hanging out” not really paying attention. It’s also difficult for us as dads not to want our kids to excel in all those sports maybe we didn’t excel in. Somehow everyone thinks they sired a future professional athlete. When I was coaching Little league there would regularly be a kid or two on my team that clearly had no athletic ability, yet dad was there buying them the best gear, and generally acting like little Derek was the next Jeter. As my pastor has often said, “Your kid isn’t going to the major leagues, mainly because HE’S GOT YOUR GENES!” Funny stuff. If we spend less time trying to mold them into our daydreams of what we “could have been” and spend more time focused on their real talents and natural god-given abilities, we will raise them to be succesful adults. And maybe, there will be less Little League coaches feeling pressure from Dad to let Johnny pitch when he can’t even throw the ball to first base.
Great insights David!
Being purposeful and realistic is certainly a must. Our kids will certainly have talents…we just need to discover them.
I appreciate you weighing in!
Thanks Keagan and David for the insights,
I sold our house a couple of years ago and quit my life coaching practice to spend time with my young family to learn how to be a father and find exactly what I’m meant to be doing with my life… still learning!
I’m coming to a similar view that fathers are in a unique position to step back and observe what comes naturally to our kids. However, I also agree with David that theirs a fine line between ‘observing’ and ‘detaching’.
I learn alot about who my kids are and what they need by being sincerely interested in what interests them.. as opposed to what interests me.
Very true Luma!
We need to be interested in them…not in our dreams for them.
I’m grateful you stopped by!
I can’t tell you the number of times I have see parents, especially fathers, live their live through their kids on the ball field. It’s beyond disturbing.
Very disturbing!
Unfortunately, they also tend to destroy any joy their kids had in the activity to begin with.
Enjoyed you stopping by!
This is a wonderful perspective to have on life and your children, I hope to see more families living with their children and not through them, as I also strive for that everyday!
“Living with them and not through them”! A very adept comment!
Unfortunately, so many people try to relive their foregone youth by pushing Jimmy and Jane toward their view of success.
It might be tough to gauge your own motivations at times, but being purposeful to discover them will go a long way.
Thanks for dropping by!