Fatherhood Factor

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Anne Davis

5 Tips for Talking to Your Child About Your Addiction

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Being a single parent is already hard enough, but it’s even harder if you have an addiction that you’re trying to hide from your children. Once you get out of the cycle of addiction, it’s important to come clean with your children so that they know what’s going on and what to expect. 

It makes much more sense for your child to know why you’re sick and going through withdrawal, than for them to think you’re just sick and irritable. While you do need to come clean with your children about your addiction, it’s not the easiest thing to do. Like most parents, you want your child to think of you as invincible and a hero. You can still be all those things. Read on below for a few tips to help you talk to your child about your addiction. 

Acknowledge Their Pain

In most cases, children go through a lot when they have a parent who is suffering from an addiction. The effects of parental drug abuse spread far and wide and can have lifelong effects on kids. Not only is that a good reason to get help for your addiction, but it’s also why you need to acknowledge the pain that your children have gone through because of it. Sincerely apologize for the pain you’ve caused your children and go to therapy with them if you think it will help them cope and move on. 

Become Educated First

Although you’ve been living with your addiction and understand a lot about it, there are always going to be things that you don’t know. That’s why it’s important to educate yourself on addiction before you dive into a conversation about your addiction with your children. They’re probably going to have a lot of questions, and you want to be able to answer them as best as you can. Being educated on the topic helps you do that. 

Assure them this is not their Fault

One of the first things you want to do when you sit your children down to explain your addiction is to assure them that the addiction is in no way their fault. There are many ways that you can help your child through this phase, including getting outside help to help them cope. Make sure that they know they didn’t do this, and that your addiction is completely on you, not on them. 

Time the Talk for the Right Time

You can’t just decide in one minute to sit your children down and explain your addiction to them. If you can, it’s important to have your talk after you have a plan and an addiction treatment program in place. That way, you can prove that things are going to change. You need a calm, quiet, and safe environment to have your talk in. Don’t have a bunch of other people around. It should be just you and your children, as this talk is going to be hard on all of you. You don’t need other people around to worry about. 

End With Love, Hope, and Patience

One of the most important things to do is to end your conversation with hope. Let them know that there is hope that you’ll get better and things will be okay from now on. Let your children know that you love them and have patience with them as well. They might not be willing to believe you in the beginning, so you have to give them the love they deserve and be patient until they come around. 

These are just a few tips to help you talk to your children about your addiction. Remember, make sure to have a plan in place first, then end your conversation with hope.

Bad Habits That Can Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

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Most relationships don’t come to an abrupt end over a one-time offense. When couples are really in love with one another and committed, relationships tend to die off due to a series of little problems that kept happening over a long period of time. Though you’d probably never do anything to intentionally hurt the one you love, it can be surprisingly easy to adopt bad habits that slowly start to drain the life out of them and your relationship.

Being aware of these habits and cutting them off before they get out of hand can be the difference between saving your partnership and losing out on one of the best things to ever happen to you. Below are some bad habits you may need to address if you want to maintain a happy and healthy relationship:

Always Being Plugged In

Smartphones are a modern convenience that everyone has. It is essentially a miniature computer with internet access. It enables you to do and explore everything in an instant. It can quickly become a distraction in your relationship. Checking your phone for emails, spending too much time on social media, and a host of other activities could keep you glued to your phone. Your partner can begin to feel neglected, ignored, and taken advantage of.

What to do: You can’t be glued to your phone all the time. It is best to use it in moderation. When you’re with your partner, make it a no phone moment so the two of you can reconnect. Even if the phone use is for work, turning it off for a few hours to give your partner your undivided attention can make all the difference.

Partying Too Much

You and your partner might love to go out and have a good time. Perhaps you even met in a bar or on a club scene. You enjoy going out with friends and indulging in the finest drinks. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having a good time, but if you party too much, it could ruin your relationship. Coming home all hours of the night, increasing your intake of drugs and alcohol, or engaging in dangerous behaviors are all factors that could cause a breakup.

What to do: Everyone enjoys a good time but if your partner has started to express their disdain for your partying ways, you need to scale back. If you’re struggling with substance dependency, the first thing you should be doing is finding a detox center to get clean. Then, reduce your partying to a few times a month. Set curfews, limit drug and alcohol intake, and communicate with your partner so they don’t become worried or stressed.

Snooping

Trust is hard to earn but easily taken away. You may have an inner urge to go snooping through your spouse’s things to make sure they’re not up to no good, but this is a bad habit to form. Checking cell phones, reading social media comments, rummaging through the laundry, and other methods of spying will all come back to bite you in the end. If your partner finds out, whether they’ve been loyal or not, they will no longer trust you.

What to do: As difficult as this advice may be, you need to learn to trust your spouse. If you’re struggling with insecurities or there has been infidelity in the relationship in the past then you should talk about it or seek therapy. If you truly can’t trust your partner, you may need to consider leaving the relationship behind.

No relationship worth having is easy or perfect, but if you want a fighting chance of keeping your love alive then you need to be honest. Identify what bad habits may be contributing to the negative changes in your relationship and then come up with a plan to fix them. Whether it’s going to an alcohol rehab for detox, seeking therapy, or unplugging the cell phone at the end of the night, it’s worth sacrificing for the one you love.

Dad Tips: Ways to Be a Better Role Model for Your Children

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Society is changing, and along with that comes the roles and responsibilities within the household. It used to be that dads went to work and brought home the bacon while mom stayed home making sure everything was in its place and tending to the needs of the children. Now, moms are making headway in the corporate world and dads are taking a more active and hands-on approach to raising their children. The dynamic shift can be great for your children. They now have the love, affection, and care of both parents which helps them to be more well-rounded individuals.

Part of being in your kids’ lives more, however, means setting the right example. Whether you know it or not, your children are looking at you as an example of who they should be and how they should act in life. Having a more prevalent presence in their lives means watching your actions and making adjustments that more effectively show your children what it means to be a positive adult. To be the awesome dad and someone your children admire, consider these actions to become a better role model.

Kill Negative Behaviors

Drinking, partying, using drugs, lots of people do it as a form of “release”. However, if these addictive behaviors get out of hand, it could lead to addiction. As addiction is a family disease that can impact not only you but the health and well-being of your family, it is probably best that you stop such negative activities. It doesn’t mean you can’t go out to the bar for a few drinks with the guys, but if you’re partying days are starting to outshine your role as a father, you may need to get help from sources like hotelcaliforniabythesea.com to kick the habits and get back on the right path.

Take Care of Yourself

There’s this weird misconception that guys are pretty unkempt human beings. That if it weren’t for the women in their lives, they’d probably never shower or clean up a day in their lives. As false as this is, you don’t want your children to get caught up in it. They should see you taking care of yourself regularly. From showering and shaving to participating in social activities and having down time to yourself. Self-care will be imperative to them throughout life and you can show them how it’s done.

Tend to Your Relationship

Whether you are with your children’s mother or not, it is imperative that your kids see you engaging in positive and healthy relationships. This means being supportive of your spouse, resolving conflict in a positive manner, and showing your affectionate side. If you’re not together, you should still be supportive of their efforts, be able to handle conflict amicably, and show that you can get along for the common goal of raising your children as co-parents.

Pick Up a Hobby

Dads shouldn’t be all work and no play, your kids need to understand having a healthy balance between the two. You can be a great role model by picking up a hobby or two and indulging on occasion. Who knows, your hobbies could be something that your children are interested in which would give you the perfect opportunity to educate them and bond.

Don’t be Afraid to Show Emotion

Here’s a hard one for some dads. Men are often taught to swallow their emotions or to only deal in two emotions happiness and anger. Your children need to see different. They need to see that it is okay to express yourself, no matter what those emotions are. Don’t be afraid to let them see you show affection, get sad on an emotional movie, or even being upset. Knowing that you can have feelings and move past those emotions constructively is a lesson they’ll need throughout life.

Your kids need positive people they can look up to. It is essentially how they navigate life at such as young age. As their father, you are often one of the first adults they encounter. They watch your every move and hang on your every word. If you want to provide them with the best foundation possible, being a positive role model yourself is a great place to start.

The Importance of Showing Your Human Side as a Super Dad

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Dads are often thought of as modern-day superheroes to their children. They see you as this perfect, awesome, super strong guy who has the abilities to protect them from any danger that comes their way. Even though their idea of who you are as a father may be a bit exaggerated, you bust your but every day to try and live up to their expectations. Working diligently to be a better parent is applaudable, but, trying to prove you’re this fearless guy who lacks any weaknesses, never needs help, and is perfect in every way will backfire.

The Trouble with Trying to be Superhuman

Here’s something you should know that your children will find out in due time – you’re only human. As a human being, you’re entitled to make mistakes, have flaws, and even show weakness. It’s only natural to want your kids to view you in a positive light. It is often that admiration and love from your kids that pushes you to be a better man.

The trouble comes when you start to create a false sense of reality. When you try to make it appear that you’re this supernatural being with powers that prevent you from ever being wrong, needing help, or having any weaknesses. Not only does this create a false reality for your children, but there are a number of consequences:

  • You become resentful of your responsibilities as a father

  • Your plate becomes too full causing you to slack in all areas of life

  • You neglect your own needs, interests, and desires

  • You become quite the jerk – you’re always moody, are short-tempered, and even argumentative with everyone

  • Your physical health starts to deteriorate

  • You neglect other relationships (your marriage, friendships, and other familial relationships)

  • You fall behind on work

  • You go broke (perfect parents never say no, right? So, you end up shelling out a lot of cash to keep them happy)

  • Your kids can have a low self-esteem or sense of self

  • You begin relying on substances like prescription meds, drugs, and alcohol to mask emotions

  • You harbor and suffer silently from mental illness like chronic stress, depression, or anxiety.

These are only a few things that could derive from you trying to be a super dad all the time. Getting things back on track, in most of these situations, is easy to do on your own. If you’re a dad who suffers from mental illness, addiction, or both before you can fix any part of your life you need to get treatment for alcohol abuse (or whatever your vice of choice is).

How to Correct It

You see just how turbulent things can get if you choose to keep putting on this “super dad” facade for your kids. To remedy the problem, consider these solutions below:

Be happy with who you are – sometimes the expectations you have of yourself are harsher than those others may have of you. Stop being so critical, judgemental, and negative towards yourself and simply learn how to be happy with who you are – flaws and all.

Admit your mistakes -Whether it’s burning dinner, missing your son’s soccer game, or forgetting to sign a permission slip for a school trip, showing your children that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them is an invaluable lesson they’ll need to be less critical of themselves.

Ask for Help – Batman didn’t decide to form the Justice League for no reason. Even he knew there would come a time where he’d need help beyond his own abilities. Don’t try to do it all alone. Your spouse, parents, and immediate family are there to provide such support. When it’s something that goes beyond their “expertise”, you have other avenues of support including your doctor, spiritual or religious leader, therapist, and others can help.

Unless you’ve found some secret science that has yet to be discovered by the rest of the world, chances are you don’t have some superpowers that make you perfect or immortal. As much as you want to try and do and be everything for your children, upholding such high-standards will eventually weigh heavily on you and your kids. The best super dads are not ashamed of their shortcomings. They do the best they can to raise a happy and healthy family, and when they need help, they’re unashamed to ask. When your kids get older, it is these actions that will often make you the most amazing guy in their lives.