Fatherhood Factor

For all the "dealings" of dads...

Paige Mitchell

6 Tips for Engaging with your Anxious Teenage Daughter

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As a parent, it can be difficult to completely understand the struggles that your daughter goes through during her teenage years. This time can be especially tough for fathers of daughters dealing with anxiety. Teens with anxiety may be more likely to shut down and feel overwhelmed. But despite the communication barrier between you and your teenage daughter, there is still some light at the end of the tunnel—the bond that you share. Here are 6 tips for stay engaged with your anxious teenage daughter.

Don’t Be Judgmental

Many teenage girls with anxiety struggle talking to their fathers about their issues because they’re scared of being judged. One of the best ways to open the lines of communication and build trust with your daughter is to avoid passing harsh judgment when she opens up about things that are going on in her life. While this may not always be easy to do, it’s essential that you keep an open mind in order to build trust.

Give Her Some Personal Space

It’s normal to want to be as involved in your daughter’s life as possible. However, as she goes through her teenage years, she’ll probably begin to push you away a bit. Allow her to have as much space as possible. It can be difficult to give her the space she needs, but it’s important. These are the years when she’s trying to figure out who she is, who she wants to be, and where she belongs. 

Build Trust by Giving Her Responsibility

Most teenagers are in a rush to grow up. Giving your daughter some adult-like responsibilities around the house can be a great way to prepare her for the future while also keeping her mind away from anxious thoughts. You can show her how to fix things around the house, when to call a repairman if an appliance breaks, and ask for her input on home decor projects.

Stay Calm

It can be easy to overreact in certain situations, especially if your daughter is sharing shocking news. Still, you should do your best to remain calm when interacting with your daughter. The way you react to things can put a strain on your relationship, and maybe even damage it. Try to avoid yelling and harsh language—doing so will help create a safe space for her to open up.

Avoid Unattainable Expectations

The fear of disappointing you may be a huge part of why your daughter feels anxious. By removing expectations surrounding what she should do and who she should be, you can help lessen those feelings of anxiety. But this doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be things you want for your daughter, it just means that you shouldn’t pressure her with your expectations.

Be a Good Listener

Your daughter may not want to talk often, but when she does, she’s going to want someone to listen to her. Practice active listening when your daughter takes the time to share something with you. This will help you get to know her better while also allowing her to feel confident that you’re interested in what she has to say.

Helping your daughter get through her teenage years can come with a lot of stress. But if you’re able to effectively engage with each other, you’ll learn that the experience can be more pleasant that you ever imagined.

Best Habits for Leading By Example When Raising Kids

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The saying “do as I say and not as I do” has long been debunked. Children learn by the example their parents provide them. Everything from the little idiosyncrasies parents make to bigger lifestyles like health and wellness to how you spend your money to how you communicate with others is passed on.

We’re all human. So how do we set a good example for our children without feeling like we’re putting on an act all the time? Here are some tips to lead by example when raising your children.

Be Realistic

No parent is perfect, and no matter what you do, no child is perfect either. While it is essential to lead by example, there is no end-all-be-all rule to creating the perfect child or keeping your kids safe, because it doesn’t exist. No matter how many times you try to convince your older kids of what you believe, whether it’s explaining why you got a home warranty plan for your shiny new appliances, or why a consistent bedtime matters, sometimes they have to experience things for themselves. The same can be said with your little ones. Just because you show them healthy eating habits, that doesn’t mean they will always choose carrots over cake.

Think Before Your Act

If you’re struggling to figure out what is and is not ok when creating a positive example for your kids, the best strategy is to think before you act. If you are ready to make an outburst at the grocery store because someone cut you in line, think about how you really want to respond to the situation at hand. That doesn’t mean you should or shouldn’t do something in that given situation. That means to consider what your next action is wisely.

Try “Watching Yourself”

Without judgement, think about a time you saw another person acting out of line in front of their children. Now try thinking about whether or not you’ve ever acted in a similar way in front of your kids. It’s important to be realistic with yourself, taking a step back every once in a while and asking the question, “What would I think if I was watching myself as an outsider?”

Consider Your Own Upbringing

No parent is perfect, and you can probably think of a few things you would have changed about your own upbringing. Instead of pointing the finger at your parents for everything they did wrong, take the opportunity to intentionally parent your children differently. Additionally, take a moment to tell your parents that you appreciate the job they did in raising you, even if it wasn’t perfect. Now that you’re a parent yourself, you understand that your parents did the best they could with what they had and what they knew to do.

Give Yourself A Break…Seriously!

You are going to make mistakes. You’re going to feel overwhelmed sometimes. You’re going to question everything you do and wonder whether or not it was the right thing to do. And guess what? Sometimes your decisions may not be perfect, and that’s ok! Give yourself a break. Also, be sure to literally give yourself a break. Call a babysitter, and get out. Maybe not all the time, but try doing something for yourself once a week or every other week. Put it on the calendar—your sanity depends on it.

What to Look For In a “Forever” Home

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My fiance and I recently bought our first house, one we hope to fill with lots of littles someday. When we began our search for our first house, we found ourselves confronting the same debate over and over again—do we buy a starter house that costs less but one we’d inevitably grow out of in the next decade or do we invest in our “forever” house and upgrade to something a bit bigger that we could grow into. We went with the latter. Here are a few items we crossed off our list before we bought our forever home.

A location you love

Location is everything when you’re debating forever. We moved to the Triangle area of North Carolina (Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill) only four months before we started house hunting so deciding on a town was kind of a shot in the dark.

We were renting an apartment in Raleigh and although it’s a really lovely city, we knew we could get more space for less money if we ventured outside of the Beltline. Plus, I worked in Raleigh and my fiance works in Durham (two points of the Triangle) so we wanted to pick a home base somewhere in the middle for a fair commute.

Apex, NC was voted the best place to live back in 2015, and its motto is “the peak of good living,” so that was our starting place. We toured a few houses in Apex and its neighboring town with an equally shiny reputation, Cary, NC but we didn’t fall in love with anything. Then, my fiance happened upon a farmhouse in—wait for it—Holly Springs. Isn’t that the most Hallmark name ever? I was sold.

Well, not exactly on the farmhouse. The farmhouse needed a lot of work. No, I was sold on the town. All of its schools are rated eight out of ten. Even though we don’t have kids yet, we do know we want them, so finding a city with highly rated schools was important to us.

All of my go-to stores are conveniently located within 15 minutes from the house. Lowes Foods, Target, Michaels, Starbucks, and more. Holly Springs also has a business park that might make it the next addition to the Triangle (the Square?). Our house is located within walking distance to a quaint-as-can-be Main Street, complete with a library and wine bar. Like I said, I was sold.

A nice neighborhood with privacy

My fiance and I are introverts, so we really wanted as much land as we could get. We both grew up in Indiana (the land of cornfields) and moved to California (where everyone lives on top of each other) before heading to North Carolina, so we were hoping for a midrange amount of space. For example, a fenced-in backyard was a plus while a corner lot was a strike.

And although we appreciate our privacy, we at least like the idea of being social, so we wanted that option whenever the impulse struck. So, we crossed our fingers for a larger neighborhood—the ultimate trick-or-treat subdivision for our future kids.

Our house checked all the boxes above. It not only has a fenced-in yard, but it also has tall trees on both sides of the house plus a wooded lot that separates us from the neighbors behind us. When we draw the curtains, it looks like we live in a grown-up tree house.

We’re situated nearly smack dab in the middle of a family-friendly neighborhood that keeps holiday traditions alive, like You’ve Been Elfed. A few other bonuses is that we have a fairly strict HOA, which means everyone keeps their curb appeal up, and a policeman lives right across the street from us, which gives us peace of mind when we travel.

An imperfect house with potential

We quickly learned that there is simply no such thing as a perfect house. Every house we looked at had a long pros and cons list. The biggest roadblock in open houses was that everything looked so cookie-cutter. All the walls were white and the surfaces were bare. I know most advice columns tell sellers who are staging their homes for resale that they should depersonalize their house by taking down pictures and decor and letting the potential buyer envision their life inside.

I disagree.

Our house was the only house that felt like a home. It wasn’t perfect—I actually wasn’t all that impressed the first time we walked through it—but it had that warm, lived-in look. Hardwood floors line the first floor but, if you look closely, you can see a series of small knicks in several places. The paint colors are neutral but not boring—seaglass blue, taupe, and greige with white trim—but it could all use a touch-up. The family even left their kids’ growth chart penciled in the doorway of the bonus room.

Family pictures were hung, candles were burning, and lamps casted a welcoming glow in every room, which set a tone that forgave the ginormous traditional furniture that was otherwise difficult to look past, but seeing evidence of another family’s happiness encouraged us that we could do the same.

The house is 19 years old—not ancient but not new either—and it has all of its original appliances and systems. Somehow everything passed inspection—even the roof—despite being years passed its expiration dates. “Everything’s working now, but I can’t guarantee it will be three months from now,” our inspector warned us. So the sellers threw in a home warranty and we took on the great responsibility of a house that needs work. It’s not a fixer upper by any means, but we’ll have to have an emergency water heater fund ready at any given moment if you know what I mean.

We didn’t really care whether the garden tub could only fill halfway before running cold and we didn’t really mind that there was a cemetery within a mile. Luckily, we were able to see through the imperfections to find that this house has good bones that could bring us a lot of joy and happiness, just as it had for the previous family who lived here.

So, to sum it all up, your forever house should be 1. in a city you love, 2. surrounded by neighbors you can trust, and 3. built on a foundation of love that can turn any old house into your home.