Fatherhood Factor

For all the "dealings" of dads...

Tyler Jacobson

5 Ways I Stopped Being a Helicopter Father

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I used to be a helicopter parent, constantly hovering over my kids’ lives trying to micromanage every aspect. For instance, I not only helped them with their homework but also went as far as rewriting some of their essays to ensure they got the best grades. I wouldn’t let them play anywhere outside, even in our yard without me being there to keep a close eye on them. Additionally, I never let them participate in any kind of risky play because, well, it was too dangerous.

As they grew up, I gradually morphed into a snowplow father too. I couldn’t bear to see my kids failing or getting disappointed so I did my best to plow forward in their lives, removing any obstacles that they might encounter.

I thought I had my children’s best interests at heart but somewhere along the way, the wires between trying to be a supportive, concerned parent and an overprotective helicopter or snowplow father got crossed.

My behavior was not only exhausting but was also not in my kids’ best interest. One day the penny dropped as I noticed my kids were not as active as others were and they were also having a hard time handling decisions and conflict by themselves.

I decided to change my ways and become a father who empowers his kids, not one who cripples them with anxiety. Here are the 5 things that helped:

1. Giving my kids more freedom.

I had to relax and accept that I couldn’t protect my kids from all the dangers in the world, I could only teach them how to handle them. So I gradually let them take small risks and gave them a little more freedom. For instance, while they could go skateboarding, they always had to wear safety gear.

2. Letting them make their own decisions.

Along with a little freedom, I let my kids make some decisions of their own. I started off by giving them the chance to pick their own outfits for school and choosing the extracurricular activities they wanted to participate in. I also included them in some family decisions such as choosing a vacation destination. As a result, my kids gradually began voicing their opinions and became more confident.

3. Equipping them with basic life skills.

As my kids became teenagers, I realized I had only a short time to teach them the basic life skills they needed before they left the nest. I wanted them to know how to manage money, interact with others, live healthily and whatever else was required for them to become independent young adults.

4. Letting them fail and make mistakes.

Watching your child fail is hard but it’s part of life. After all, kids learn by taking risks and making mistakes. Letting go of my helicopter parenting tendencies meant that I had to stop doing things for my kids that they could do themselves. I gave them responsibilities and let them learn from the consequences of their actions (within reason, of course).

5. Teaching them to become problem solvers.

Finally, I stopped swooping in to rescue my kids every time they cried for help. They had to learn how to solve problems and handle conflict on their own. Whenever they came to me with a problem, I asked them what they wanted to do about it and we brainstormed solutions together.

Bringing up kids isn’t easy and as parents, it’s natural that we worry about our children’s safety and well-being. However taking a step back, getting a grip on our anxiety and giving them the freedom to make mistakes while simultaneously equipping them with skills necessary to problem-solve has a much better outcome.

Take Advantage Of Summer By Building Lasting Memories With Your Kids

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The summer is here and kids are home from school. This presents an opportunity for us fathers to spend more time getting to know our kids and bond with them.

Fathers are Essential

Since dads are different from moms, it follows that our parenting styles will be different as well and this forms the basis of our contribution to our kids’ healthy development.

We play various roles in our child’s life as a role model, a friend, and disciplinarian. We are crucial not only to our child’s physical well-being but also their emotional health. Being an involved dad brings the following positive benefits to our children:

  • We encourage risk-taking through roughhousing. Mothers typically encourage kids to play safe but roughhousing with children does have a range of benefits including boosting their physical fitness, improving their coordination and problem-solving skills.
  • We are also vital to children’s emotional well-being. Various studies have shown that kids with involved dads are more confident, have higher self-esteem and have better coping skills against stress and depression.
  • We have a pivotal role in their teen’s lives which dissuades them from delinquent behavior. According to studies, affectionate, supportive and involved dads have been linked to a lower incidence of delinquent behavior like truancy, early sexual activity, alcohol and drug abuse in teens.

Enhancing Your Role in Your Kids’ Life This Summer

Now that you know you have a significant part to play in your children’s lives, why not forge a stronger bond with them. Break your routine this summer and find new fun activities that can help you shower your kids with affection. Here are 5 fun ideas to include in your summer bucket list:

1. Build something together.

It can be a fort in the living room, a kickass treehouse in your backyard or a lemonade stand. What matters is that you get to spend time with your kids showing them how to create something from their imagination.

2. Get in the water.

Summer and water activities go hand in hand. Head to the ocean to play in the waves, take the paddleboards out to the lake, visit the waterpark for a blast or even just take a trip to your local neighborhood swimming pool and have a great time with your kids. Teach them cool tricks and how to play different water games and you’ll be their hero.

3. Find exciting regional attractions to attend.

There is always something interesting to see regardless of where you live. You can take your kids to a local fair, rodeo, zoo or museum. They are guaranteed to have the time of their lives and they might also learn something while at it.

4. Spend time outdoors.

Introduce your kids to the wonders of the great outdoors this summer. You can take them fishing, go on a picnic, hike in one of the many national parks or even treat them to the joys of camping. The clean air and tranquility will do wonders for you too.

5. Plan a scavenger hunt.

With the right planning and preparation, a scavenger hunt can keep kids enthralled for hours. Create a list of things for them to find, add some interesting clues and you have a fun scavenger hunt on your hands. You can teach your kids teamwork by encouraging them to work together to find the items or alternatively, encourage healthy competition by awarding a prize to the one who collects the most items.

Time spent having fun with your kids is never wasted and the memories you make will last a lifetime.

How To Correct Your Son’s Disrespectful Attitude

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It can be tough for parents to calmly approach their children when they are being disrespectful and taking their bad attitude out on you. I completely understand the feeling of looking at your child being disrespectful and thinking, ‘I literally provide you with everything, and this is how you are going to treat me?’

But, if you want to help your son reach his potential and become a successful and happy adult, you’ll need to put those feelings aside and work patiently with him to correct his disrespectful attitude.

Talk To Your Son About His Disrespectful Attitude

One of the first things you will need to do is talk to your son about his attitude. While most kids know when they are being disrespectful, they may not realize the impact it is having on their loved ones. Even teens who feel like they have outgrown their parents still hold their parents upon a kind of pedestal, not believing that their words and attitudes can really affect their parents.

Also, some teenage boys consider being disrespectful to others is funny. Often, these boys will be disrespectful to their friends, egg each other on to be more and more outrageous, all while believing that everyone is enjoying the joke.

So, when you talk to your son about his behavior and attitude, keep these things in mind, especially if all you get back is puzzling responses like:

“I don’t really see what the problem is.”

“I didn’t mean it, so it doesn’t count.”

“Everyone else does it.”

While these kinds of responses are frustrating, it can help you gauge where your son is coming from and help you determine how serious a problem it is likely to be to help him overcome his disrespectful ways.

Set Clear Expectations About Your Son’s Behavior

Children are constantly pushing the boundaries of what is allowed, and if your son is taking a disrespectful attitude with you, this can be just one more way of expressing that boundary pushing.

So, after you two talk about his attitude, it is time to set clear expectations about your son’ attitude and behavior. Things like no name-calling, being required to answer verbally when asked a question and not just shrugging are good places to start with setting your expectations.

When your son disregards these behavioral expectations, focus on practicing positive discipline. It is best if you outline the consequences of being disrespectful before the outburst, but it is not possible to anticipate all circumstances. If your son behaves disrespectfully, make it clear to him that what he did was disrespectful and that you will be talking to him later about the consequences.

Not only will this response give you time to cool down and consider fair disciplinary measures, but it also gives your son to consider his actions and attitude and see that he was in the wrong.

Model The Respectful Behavior You Expect To See

As the father, your son will model much of his behavior on your example. Even if your son tries to pretend that he is nothing like you, scholars have seen that fathers play a critical place in shaping their children.

For instance, my father is a pretty sarcastic man. When I was younger, I thought he was the height of wittiness and modeled a lot of my own attitude on what I thought was his cool disregard of “boring, dumb people.” Thank goodness my high school track coach sat me down and made it clear that far from being cool, I was just a jerk that most people didn’t want to work out with on the team.

So, it may take a bit a soul-searching, but you may find that some of your son’s disrespectful attitude was learned from you and it is essential that you model the behavior you expect to see.

Bring In Professional Help

Reaching out to professional resources can help enormously. Many of us parents are trying to figure out parenting as we go, and having a trained therapist assist can be invaluable. Depending on your son and your family’s needs, a combination of family therapy and individual therapy for your son can help him overcome his disrespectful attitude and help the whole family become more harmonious.

If your son isn’t able to overcome his disrespectful attitude at home, and it is leading him down more dangerous paths, it may be time to consider a boarding school for troubled teens. At a good school, he can receive more concentrated help and enjoy a supportive environment that will help him make the changes he needs. 

Hold Onto A Sense Of Humor

As you help your son outgrow his disrespectful attitude, keeping a firm hold on your sense of humor can help you keep things calm. So, the next time your son snaps back a sassy answer, you can find the humor and stay calm enough to say, “Wow, kind of rude there. Did you mean that to be a rude answer?”

By not allowing your son to unravel your calm and sense of humor, you are providing him with a chance to reflect on his attitude and understand that his behavior is out-of-line.

Working with your son to help him overcome his disrespectful attitude won’t be easy on either of you, especially as you manage your various roles besides being “just dad”. But by doing this work while your child can still change easily, you can help set your son up to be a better-adjusted adult who is more capable in his interactions with others.

Never Too Late: Change Your Well-Meaning Parenting Mistakes

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Everyone knows that ‘perfect’ does not exist. There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. So why do we still strive for perfection?

No one wants to be labeled a failure, especially when it comes to parenting. Add in the pressure of juggling a successful career with successful parenting and some days, more often than not, it becomes too much. It’s always a good idea to take a step back and re-evaluate it all.

Are we parenting in a way that is causing more harm than good? We try and protect our kids from things like disappointments and their fears, get too involved with their friendships and basically attempt to put a layer of invisible bubble wrap around every inch of them.

We all remember the movie, “Finding Nemo”, when Dory makes a pretty deep statement to the orange Clownfish, referring to his parenting skills and letting go. “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.” I love that line as it is very powerful.

The best way to change certain behaviors is to be aware of them ahead of time. Everyone makes mistakes and it is those mistakes that help us learn, grow and ultimately become better fathers.

I want to offer all you dads out there some encouragement that it’s okay to mix things up a bit. Did a discipline method you tried today totally backfire? Try something new tomorrow. Every day is a new day to be a better parent.

One common mistake I see all the time is using the philosophy of “one size fits all” parenting. Every child is different, even in the same household. You can have two kids that are complete opposites and therefore, have different needs and require different types of parenting solutions.

As parents, we are going to make hundreds of mistakes. Help Your Teen Now focuses on 12 of them, and I have no problem admitting I have made all 12.

Do you spoil your kids and give them everything they ask for, like the latest phone or the coolest sneakers everyone at school is wearing? Yep, been there. It’s great to see our kids happy, however, spoiling them is not going to provide them with necessary life skills to function as adults.

Usually, the tools we are given to parent come from how we were parented. While certain principles still apply, every generation is different and requires alterations to make sense in today’s world. Remember that your kids are not you and you are not your parents. Guilty as charged.

Are you afraid to discipline your children at the supermarket for fear they are going to have public meltdowns and people will judge you? Uh, YES. You are most likely fearful of the consequences of delivering the consequences to your kids. I know I was. When your kids grow up, guess what? The real world isn’t going to protect them like you are now.

See, you’re not alone. The good news is that being able to recognize these mistakes early on and be willing to modify your parenting skills accordingly, is going to benefit your kids in the present and in the long run.

If it makes you feel any better, I think it is safe to say we all experience crappy parenting days and feel like we are the worst parents in the world. It is the bad ones that help us appreciate the good ones. Remember, no one is perfect. It is all about progress, not perfection.

How To Help Your Teen Reach THEIR Potential, Not YOURS

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It can be tough to look at your child and not just see a mini copy of yourself. Considering that for the majority of parents, their children are made up of half their DNA, it can lull you into the idea that things that you wanted to achieve will be the same that your son or daughter wants to do.

If you want your teen to reach their full potential, and want to avoid pushing them into being a resentful copy of you, there are several steps you will need to take.

Check Your Personal Goals At The Door

One of the first things you will need to do is check your personal goals and expectations. By projecting your personal goals on your teens, they may feel undue pressure to meet a standard that they aren’t really interested in.

For example, say you wanted to play basketball at least at the college level. A knee injury during high school may have put that goal out of your reach, but then you have a child who you push into basketball, so your dream can be realized through them.

But if that’s not something your teen really wants, your personal goal can cause a lot of stress, internal conflict, and potentially lead to depression if they feel like they are letting you down. As depression is a significant troubled teen risk factor, it is critical that your unachieved goals be put away so that your teenager doesn’t feel pushed into reaching your unrealized potential and dreams. 

Provide Your Teen With Opportunities For Discovery

Once you shelve your expectations on what your teen should be doing, your next step is to open the door to other opportunities. A study that followed the engagement of children and young adults when it came to their activities showed that those who were allowed to choose their activities had a much higher rate of engagement.

So, if you want your teen to find something they are truly passionate about, you have to give them the chance to discover it. Some ways you can assist them in finding what they want to be involved in is by:

  • Encouraging them to try new things, whether it’s cooking at home or trying out for a team.
  • Sign them up for short-term workshops and summer camps so your teenager can sample a range of activities from musical instruments to self-defense.
  • Suggest your teen volunteer in the community or at school. Volunteer positions allow teens specifically to start to see where they may want to focus their future career aspirations.

Another benefit of providing your teenager with ample positive activities is that you can lessen the chance that they will turn to drugs. As boredom is one of the most common factors when it comes to teens and drug abuse, by keeping your teen busily engaged in discovering and developing their potential, you can significantly lower their drug use risks.

Become Involved In Their Activities

As your teen finds what they are passionate about, your wholehearted support needs to be behind them. With your clear support, whether it’s just your presence at their performance or your chauffering abilities, your teen will be able to more fully engage in their activity and reach their full potential.

In fact, research shows that parental support is key to success in childhood, development, and adolescence. Your level of support and engagement can not only predict how well your teen does in school, but affect their overall health, and whether or not they manage to reach their potential.

While teens can reach some level of success without active parental support, their chances are far lower, and it is more likely that your lack of support will hinder your teens’ ability to be successful. So, if you want the best for your son or daughter, be sure to become actively involved in their interests and education.

As you manage your roles of being a dad, a cheerleader, a discovery coach, and so much more, your teens will more easily become who they were meant to be, rather than just the person you wish you were.

How To Manage All Your Different Roles Besides Just “Dad”

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As society and the traditional family change, parents have had to adapt to different parenting methods from those of previous generations. Fathers are finding that their roles are evolving too and now they have to wear different hats in the family.

As a father, you know you are so much more than just “dad”. You double up as your kids’ playmate, sometimes their friend and companion and other times you’re their teacher and life coach. This is in addition to being a disciplinarian as well as a provider and protector.

It’s a lot for anyone to handle and just like moms, plenty of fathers nowadays struggle to have it all. It’s definitely challenging having to juggle the different fatherhood roles while still being a loving and supportive spouse.

So what’s a father to do?

Here’s how you can balance and manage your different roles:

Put things in perspective.

When it comes to parenting, things don’t always go as planned. Maybe your kids fail to cooperate or you forget to finish those chores you’d set out to do. Perhaps things aren’t going great at work, putting your plans of securing your family’s financial future in jeopardy. When life gets messy, it’s good to take a break, remind yourself that things will work out eventually, recharge and dive back in.

Ask for help when you need it.

Gone are the days when men were expected to be tough and stoic, bearing their burdens with no complaints. These days, it’s ok for men to admit to needing help. If you find yourself overwhelmed –either at work or at home- admit it and ask for assistance.

A little patience goes a long way.

When stress levels shoot up, it becomes easy to lose your temper and patience and not just with your kids. However, reacting in anger or frustration will only make things worse. So whether you’re frustrated by your own shortcomings or annoyed by something your wife or kids did, remind yourself to be kind and patient.

Cultivate a sense of humor.

Fatherhood is an epic ride. You never know what you’ll be dealing with next and while this might be a source of anxiety, you can choose to see things differently. Spotting the humor in different situations will certainly help to keep you sane and emotionally healthy.

Model good behavior.

Teens these days face plenty of risk factors and could benefit from having good role models to emulate. Your kids look up to you so you have to lead by example, modeling things like responsibility, healthy conflict and anger management, healthy eating etc. and basically showing your kids what responsible adulthood is all about.

Learn to let go sometimes.

Thanks to social media, the world has become a much noisier place and amidst all the advice about “parenting the right way”, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing. One of the most effective ways of silencing those inner and outer critics is realizing what you, as a father and parent, are and aren’t responsible for. For instance, you’re not responsible for making sure your kid is always happy. It’s also not up to you to live up to others expectations.

Realize that you have to let some smaller things go each day- your child’s homework doesn’t need to be perfectly done every day and your kids’ lives aren’t ruined if you don’t sign them up to every extracurricular activity available. Pick your battles and let the rest go.

Being a modern father isn’t easy but if you keep an open mind and remain willing to learn and relearn your different roles, you’ll find that it’s all worth it.

I Suspect That My Teen Has A Drug Addiction, How Do I Talk To Him About It?

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You can read all the articles you want on understanding a loved one’s addiction, but when it’s your child that you suspect has an addiction, all practical advice seems to fly out the window and you are left unsure how to help them.

As teens who are suffering from drug addiction are often moody, secretive, and more prone to lashing out, it can be incredibly difficult to know how to approach them about your concerns. To help you overcome this hurdle to help your troubled teen, there are several steps you can take.

Find Non-confrontational Ways To Start The Conversation

Even when teens aren’t struggling with drug addiction, opening up any conversation can be tricky, especially if the habit of open conversation between you and your teen hasn’t been established. Either way, it is important that you approach your teen in non-confrontational ways to open up the conversation about your concerns. Some ways you can try are:

  • Go on a drive with your teen and talk about some of the teen drug abuse statistics you looked up beforehand. Since you are in the car, your teen can’t just exit the conversation, but they won’t have to make direct eye contact, which can make teens defensive.
  • Take a walk with your teen and talk about your own experiences with drug use and what you have learned. Even if you have not used drugs yourself, it is likely someone in your circle of family and friends have, and you can discuss how your loved one’s drug abuse impacted those around them.
  • Make your questions open-ended which cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. For example, instead of saying, “Has anyone offered you drugs?” try something like, “How would you feel about someone who offers you drugs?” Even if the only answer is, “I dunno, weird I guess,” you can pursue that line, asking them why it makes them feel weird and what your teen’s response would be.

Talk To Your Teenager About The Signs You See

If the initial forays into opening the conversation on your teen’s drug use don’t help your teen talk to you about their addiction, you will need to be more direct. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m concerned that some of the changes you’ve been undergoing are linked to drug abuse.” Likely, your teen will deny it, so be prepared to ask them about the signs you have seen.

If you aren’t sure what the signs of teen drug abuse are, here are some things which you can focus on when talking to your teen:

  • Avoids family time
  • Has become highly secretive
  • Extreme changes in appetite
  • Mood swings with startling highs and lows
  • Lack of good hygiene
  • Covering up smells with mint or body sprays
  • Drop in grades
  • Loss of interest in hobbies and extracurriculars
  • Weight fluctuations

Be Clear About The Family Stance On Drug Use

As you talk to your teen about their drug addiction, it is essential that you are clear about your family’s stance on drug abuse. You should also be clear that this stance applies to street drugs as well as the kinds your teen may find in your home, such as cigarettes, alcohol, and prescription pills. It is surprising, but many teens don’t consider abusing prescription drugs as bad as using street drugs, though the addictive results are clearly the same.

If you haven’t talked about the repercussions of breaking the family rules concerning drug use, be sure to bring them up as you talk to your teen about your suspicions around their drug addiction. Also, along with the consequences, let your teen know that you are ready and willing to help them if your teen is ready to be honest and face down their addiction. Because, with perseverance and support, you can help your teen as they struggle through their drug addiction and be a key player in helping your teen recover and move forward again.