Fatherhood Factor

For all the "dealings" of dads...

Tyler Jacobson

Our Sons Need Our Example to Learn Emotional Intelligence

By Leave a Comment

Emotional intelligence is rapidly gaining recognition as a vital skill required for one to empathize with others, communicate effectively, manage stress, overcome challenges and conflict as well as successfully navigate a plethora of social situations.

Unfortunately, we still insist on bringing up our sons under the same stereotypes that we men have struggled with for so long. As a society, our expectations of masculinity don’t allow for intimacy, vulnerability or open emotional expression. We encourage men to suppress feelings like fear, loneliness or sadness and instead teach them that only expressions of anger and aggression are acceptable.

The Danger of Suppressing Emotions

Yet, men have feelings that are just as complex and varied as women’s. They just express them differently. Research has shown that boys in their infancy and toddler years are just as –and in some cases even more- emotionally expressive as girls their age. Then as they grow older, we teach them to ignore and tamp down on certain emotions, ignorant to the damage we’re causing.

The thing is, suppressing feelings doesn’t make them go away. They just get buried in our subconscious and leak out in other ways. Boys and teens who regularly suppress their emotions are prone to issues such as teen depression, mood swings, increased anxiety, and poor sleeping patterns. Those emotions they suppress often find a way out as angry outbursts, behavioral issues, and even dreams or nightmares.

Encouraging Healthy Emotional Expression In Our Sons

As fathers, we owe it to our sons to break away from the harmful stereotype that men have to be stoic, cold and unfeeling. We can and should teach them that emotions are normal. We should also help them learn how to feel and express their full range of emotions and then how to cope with them in healthy ways.

Here are some tips on how to go about doing just that:

  • Set a great example.

Our sons look to us for cues on how to act and behave. If we want them to be more emotionally expressive, we should start by expressing more emotions ourselves. We need to show our human side and become good role models by getting comfortable with our own feelings. Let our sons see that there’s nothing weak about men who talk about how they feel. Seeing you expressing yourself will encourage them to do the same.

  • Give them the freedom to express themselves.

Don’t be the father who teaches his sons that feelings are a show of weakness and vulnerability. Be the kind of dad who encourages his sons to embrace all their feelings. While society looks down on men who display emotions, let your house be a safe space where your sons can share their feelings without fear of being ridiculed, judged or shamed.

  • Listen to them.

One of the best ways to encourage emotional expression in our sons is by simply listening without judgment. Give your son your complete attention when they talk about their feelings and experiences. Don’t butt in with your solutions, suggestions, advice or opinions unless they specifically ask for them. Once your son realizes that you’re actually interested and that his feelings are also important to you, he’ll be comfortable opening up and sharing more.

  • Teach them how to deal with negative emotions.

Our sons also need to learn how to cope with negative emotions like grief, disappointment or anger. If ignored, these feelings can eventually lead to a lot of problems. To avoid this, fathers should teach their sons healthy coping mechanisms such as taking a walk to cool off during an argument, talking about their difficulties with a trusted friend or adult or even using sports and physical activity to let off steam. Emphasize that no one should shoulder all their burdens alone and that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness.

Without emotional intelligence, our sons are doomed to a life of emotional turmoil where they neither understand their emotions nor know how to express them. If we want our sons to grow up healthy with the ability to accept and manage their emotions in positive ways, we have to set examples that are worth emulating and be willing to challenge the prevailing stereotypes.

Fathers Can Make A Difference in the Teen Vaping Epidemic

By Leave a Comment

Being a father is challenging, especially if you’re raising teens. They are at a stage of their lives when they feel the need to experiment and test boundaries. While this is part of growing up, some of the stuff they get into can be harmful. One example of this is vaping.

When they first hit the market, e-cigarettes were advertised as a better alternative to traditional cigarettes and created to help adults quit smoking. They were supposed to have none of the harmful ingredients found in cigarettes like tobacco or nicotine. However, they quickly caught on among young people and according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), the number of teens vaping or using e-cigarettes has doubled since 2017.

Why Is Vaping Dangerous?

When it comes to e-cigarettes, a lot of parents and teens mistakenly assume that they just contain vapor and flavoring. Unfortunately, this is not true. Many e-cigarettes have been found to contain nicotine- the same highly addictive substance found in cigarettes. Nicotine is particularly dangerous to teens because it can harm their still-developing brains, affecting the parts responsible for impulse control, learning, attention, and mood.

Additionally, the flavoring found in e-cigarettes is equally troublesome with studies showing that it has substances that can cause cancer or respiratory illnesses among others.

What’s more, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) cautions that vaping may make teens more susceptible to other drug addictions in the future.

How Can Dads Make A Difference?

Clearly, e-cigarettes are not as benign as they appear. The good news is that you don’t have to wait until your teen starts vaping to take action. Here are some of the things you can do to help your teen avoid this pitfall.

Being an active and involved father.

Fathers play an extremely important role in their children’s wellbeing. Several studies have demonstrated that teens who grow up with present, engaged dads are less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol. Forging a solid relationship with your teens and being an active, attentive father can play a part in preventing them from ever getting into vaping.

Setting an example by being tobacco-free.

Teens might not listen to what you say but they always watch what you do. Be a good role model for your kids by being tobacco-free and setting an example worth emulating. If you use tobacco, it’s never too late to quit.

Doing your research prior to talking to your teen about vaping.

There are a lot of helpful resources out there on vaping. Read them and get to know all the facts about e-cigarettes before broaching the topic with your teen. This way, you’ll be comfortable answering any questions they have.

Being patient and open to dialogue.

Talking to your teen about drugs and addiction is never easy but it needs to be done. There are things you can do to make the conversation fruitful. This includes encouraging open dialogue with your teen. Don’t turn it into a lecture or they’ll shut down. Instead, ask open-ended questions and really listen to what they say. That way you can both learn from each other.

If you want your message to be well-received, it helps to pick the right moment to raise the topic. Look for opportunities that encourage natural conversation e.g. seeing someone vaping on TV or passing by an e-cigarette shop together.

Asking for support.

Sometimes teenagers refuse to listen to their parents but prefer talking to other adults. If this happens, try asking your healthcare provider or another trusted adult to talk to them about the health risks of vaping.

Don’t underestimate your influence on your teen’s life. Through a combination of education and open dialogue, you can steer your teen away from vaping and other harmful addictions and habits.

5 Ways I Stopped Being a Helicopter Father

By Leave a Comment

I used to be a helicopter parent, constantly hovering over my kids’ lives trying to micromanage every aspect. For instance, I not only helped them with their homework but also went as far as rewriting some of their essays to ensure they got the best grades. I wouldn’t let them play anywhere outside, even in our yard without me being there to keep a close eye on them. Additionally, I never let them participate in any kind of risky play because, well, it was too dangerous.

As they grew up, I gradually morphed into a snowplow father too. I couldn’t bear to see my kids failing or getting disappointed so I did my best to plow forward in their lives, removing any obstacles that they might encounter.

I thought I had my children’s best interests at heart but somewhere along the way, the wires between trying to be a supportive, concerned parent and an overprotective helicopter or snowplow father got crossed.

My behavior was not only exhausting but was also not in my kids’ best interest. One day the penny dropped as I noticed my kids were not as active as others were and they were also having a hard time handling decisions and conflict by themselves.

I decided to change my ways and become a father who empowers his kids, not one who cripples them with anxiety. Here are the 5 things that helped:

1. Giving my kids more freedom.

I had to relax and accept that I couldn’t protect my kids from all the dangers in the world, I could only teach them how to handle them. So I gradually let them take small risks and gave them a little more freedom. For instance, while they could go skateboarding, they always had to wear safety gear.

2. Letting them make their own decisions.

Along with a little freedom, I let my kids make some decisions of their own. I started off by giving them the chance to pick their own outfits for school and choosing the extracurricular activities they wanted to participate in. I also included them in some family decisions such as choosing a vacation destination. As a result, my kids gradually began voicing their opinions and became more confident.

3. Equipping them with basic life skills.

As my kids became teenagers, I realized I had only a short time to teach them the basic life skills they needed before they left the nest. I wanted them to know how to manage money, interact with others, live healthily and whatever else was required for them to become independent young adults.

4. Letting them fail and make mistakes.

Watching your child fail is hard but it’s part of life. After all, kids learn by taking risks and making mistakes. Letting go of my helicopter parenting tendencies meant that I had to stop doing things for my kids that they could do themselves. I gave them responsibilities and let them learn from the consequences of their actions (within reason, of course).

5. Teaching them to become problem solvers.

Finally, I stopped swooping in to rescue my kids every time they cried for help. They had to learn how to solve problems and handle conflict on their own. Whenever they came to me with a problem, I asked them what they wanted to do about it and we brainstormed solutions together.

Bringing up kids isn’t easy and as parents, it’s natural that we worry about our children’s safety and well-being. However taking a step back, getting a grip on our anxiety and giving them the freedom to make mistakes while simultaneously equipping them with skills necessary to problem-solve has a much better outcome.

Take Advantage Of Summer By Building Lasting Memories With Your Kids

By Leave a Comment

The summer is here and kids are home from school. This presents an opportunity for us fathers to spend more time getting to know our kids and bond with them.

Fathers are Essential

Since dads are different from moms, it follows that our parenting styles will be different as well and this forms the basis of our contribution to our kids’ healthy development.

We play various roles in our child’s life as a role model, a friend, and disciplinarian. We are crucial not only to our child’s physical well-being but also their emotional health. Being an involved dad brings the following positive benefits to our children:

  • We encourage risk-taking through roughhousing. Mothers typically encourage kids to play safe but roughhousing with children does have a range of benefits including boosting their physical fitness, improving their coordination and problem-solving skills.
  • We are also vital to children’s emotional well-being. Various studies have shown that kids with involved dads are more confident, have higher self-esteem and have better coping skills against stress and depression.
  • We have a pivotal role in their teen’s lives which dissuades them from delinquent behavior. According to studies, affectionate, supportive and involved dads have been linked to a lower incidence of delinquent behavior like truancy, early sexual activity, alcohol and drug abuse in teens.

Enhancing Your Role in Your Kids’ Life This Summer

Now that you know you have a significant part to play in your children’s lives, why not forge a stronger bond with them. Break your routine this summer and find new fun activities that can help you shower your kids with affection. Here are 5 fun ideas to include in your summer bucket list:

1. Build something together.

It can be a fort in the living room, a kickass treehouse in your backyard or a lemonade stand. What matters is that you get to spend time with your kids showing them how to create something from their imagination.

2. Get in the water.

Summer and water activities go hand in hand. Head to the ocean to play in the waves, take the paddleboards out to the lake, visit the waterpark for a blast or even just take a trip to your local neighborhood swimming pool and have a great time with your kids. Teach them cool tricks and how to play different water games and you’ll be their hero.

3. Find exciting regional attractions to attend.

There is always something interesting to see regardless of where you live. You can take your kids to a local fair, rodeo, zoo or museum. They are guaranteed to have the time of their lives and they might also learn something while at it.

4. Spend time outdoors.

Introduce your kids to the wonders of the great outdoors this summer. You can take them fishing, go on a picnic, hike in one of the many national parks or even treat them to the joys of camping. The clean air and tranquility will do wonders for you too.

5. Plan a scavenger hunt.

With the right planning and preparation, a scavenger hunt can keep kids enthralled for hours. Create a list of things for them to find, add some interesting clues and you have a fun scavenger hunt on your hands. You can teach your kids teamwork by encouraging them to work together to find the items or alternatively, encourage healthy competition by awarding a prize to the one who collects the most items.

Time spent having fun with your kids is never wasted and the memories you make will last a lifetime.

How To Correct Your Son’s Disrespectful Attitude

By Leave a Comment

It can be tough for parents to calmly approach their children when they are being disrespectful and taking their bad attitude out on you. I completely understand the feeling of looking at your child being disrespectful and thinking, ‘I literally provide you with everything, and this is how you are going to treat me?’

But, if you want to help your son reach his potential and become a successful and happy adult, you’ll need to put those feelings aside and work patiently with him to correct his disrespectful attitude.

Talk To Your Son About His Disrespectful Attitude

One of the first things you will need to do is talk to your son about his attitude. While most kids know when they are being disrespectful, they may not realize the impact it is having on their loved ones. Even teens who feel like they have outgrown their parents still hold their parents upon a kind of pedestal, not believing that their words and attitudes can really affect their parents.

Also, some teenage boys consider being disrespectful to others is funny. Often, these boys will be disrespectful to their friends, egg each other on to be more and more outrageous, all while believing that everyone is enjoying the joke.

So, when you talk to your son about his behavior and attitude, keep these things in mind, especially if all you get back is puzzling responses like:

“I don’t really see what the problem is.”

“I didn’t mean it, so it doesn’t count.”

“Everyone else does it.”

While these kinds of responses are frustrating, it can help you gauge where your son is coming from and help you determine how serious a problem it is likely to be to help him overcome his disrespectful ways.

Set Clear Expectations About Your Son’s Behavior

Children are constantly pushing the boundaries of what is allowed, and if your son is taking a disrespectful attitude with you, this can be just one more way of expressing that boundary pushing.

So, after you two talk about his attitude, it is time to set clear expectations about your son’ attitude and behavior. Things like no name-calling, being required to answer verbally when asked a question and not just shrugging are good places to start with setting your expectations.

When your son disregards these behavioral expectations, focus on practicing positive discipline. It is best if you outline the consequences of being disrespectful before the outburst, but it is not possible to anticipate all circumstances. If your son behaves disrespectfully, make it clear to him that what he did was disrespectful and that you will be talking to him later about the consequences.

Not only will this response give you time to cool down and consider fair disciplinary measures, but it also gives your son to consider his actions and attitude and see that he was in the wrong.

Model The Respectful Behavior You Expect To See

As the father, your son will model much of his behavior on your example. Even if your son tries to pretend that he is nothing like you, scholars have seen that fathers play a critical place in shaping their children.

For instance, my father is a pretty sarcastic man. When I was younger, I thought he was the height of wittiness and modeled a lot of my own attitude on what I thought was his cool disregard of “boring, dumb people.” Thank goodness my high school track coach sat me down and made it clear that far from being cool, I was just a jerk that most people didn’t want to work out with on the team.

So, it may take a bit a soul-searching, but you may find that some of your son’s disrespectful attitude was learned from you and it is essential that you model the behavior you expect to see.

Bring In Professional Help

Reaching out to professional resources can help enormously. Many of us parents are trying to figure out parenting as we go, and having a trained therapist assist can be invaluable. Depending on your son and your family’s needs, a combination of family therapy and individual therapy for your son can help him overcome his disrespectful attitude and help the whole family become more harmonious.

If your son isn’t able to overcome his disrespectful attitude at home, and it is leading him down more dangerous paths, it may be time to consider a boarding school for troubled teens. At a good school, he can receive more concentrated help and enjoy a supportive environment that will help him make the changes he needs. 

Hold Onto A Sense Of Humor

As you help your son outgrow his disrespectful attitude, keeping a firm hold on your sense of humor can help you keep things calm. So, the next time your son snaps back a sassy answer, you can find the humor and stay calm enough to say, “Wow, kind of rude there. Did you mean that to be a rude answer?”

By not allowing your son to unravel your calm and sense of humor, you are providing him with a chance to reflect on his attitude and understand that his behavior is out-of-line.

Working with your son to help him overcome his disrespectful attitude won’t be easy on either of you, especially as you manage your various roles besides being “just dad”. But by doing this work while your child can still change easily, you can help set your son up to be a better-adjusted adult who is more capable in his interactions with others.

Never Too Late: Change Your Well-Meaning Parenting Mistakes

By Leave a Comment

Everyone knows that ‘perfect’ does not exist. There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. So why do we still strive for perfection?

No one wants to be labeled a failure, especially when it comes to parenting. Add in the pressure of juggling a successful career with successful parenting and some days, more often than not, it becomes too much. It’s always a good idea to take a step back and re-evaluate it all.

Are we parenting in a way that is causing more harm than good? We try and protect our kids from things like disappointments and their fears, get too involved with their friendships and basically attempt to put a layer of invisible bubble wrap around every inch of them.

We all remember the movie, “Finding Nemo”, when Dory makes a pretty deep statement to the orange Clownfish, referring to his parenting skills and letting go. “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.” I love that line as it is very powerful.

The best way to change certain behaviors is to be aware of them ahead of time. Everyone makes mistakes and it is those mistakes that help us learn, grow and ultimately become better fathers.

I want to offer all you dads out there some encouragement that it’s okay to mix things up a bit. Did a discipline method you tried today totally backfire? Try something new tomorrow. Every day is a new day to be a better parent.

One common mistake I see all the time is using the philosophy of “one size fits all” parenting. Every child is different, even in the same household. You can have two kids that are complete opposites and therefore, have different needs and require different types of parenting solutions.

As parents, we are going to make hundreds of mistakes. Help Your Teen Now focuses on 12 of them, and I have no problem admitting I have made all 12.

Do you spoil your kids and give them everything they ask for, like the latest phone or the coolest sneakers everyone at school is wearing? Yep, been there. It’s great to see our kids happy, however, spoiling them is not going to provide them with necessary life skills to function as adults.

Usually, the tools we are given to parent come from how we were parented. While certain principles still apply, every generation is different and requires alterations to make sense in today’s world. Remember that your kids are not you and you are not your parents. Guilty as charged.

Are you afraid to discipline your children at the supermarket for fear they are going to have public meltdowns and people will judge you? Uh, YES. You are most likely fearful of the consequences of delivering the consequences to your kids. I know I was. When your kids grow up, guess what? The real world isn’t going to protect them like you are now.

See, you’re not alone. The good news is that being able to recognize these mistakes early on and be willing to modify your parenting skills accordingly, is going to benefit your kids in the present and in the long run.

If it makes you feel any better, I think it is safe to say we all experience crappy parenting days and feel like we are the worst parents in the world. It is the bad ones that help us appreciate the good ones. Remember, no one is perfect. It is all about progress, not perfection.

How To Help Your Teen Reach THEIR Potential, Not YOURS

By Leave a Comment

It can be tough to look at your child and not just see a mini copy of yourself. Considering that for the majority of parents, their children are made up of half their DNA, it can lull you into the idea that things that you wanted to achieve will be the same that your son or daughter wants to do.

If you want your teen to reach their full potential, and want to avoid pushing them into being a resentful copy of you, there are several steps you will need to take.

Check Your Personal Goals At The Door

One of the first things you will need to do is check your personal goals and expectations. By projecting your personal goals on your teens, they may feel undue pressure to meet a standard that they aren’t really interested in.

For example, say you wanted to play basketball at least at the college level. A knee injury during high school may have put that goal out of your reach, but then you have a child who you push into basketball, so your dream can be realized through them.

But if that’s not something your teen really wants, your personal goal can cause a lot of stress, internal conflict, and potentially lead to depression if they feel like they are letting you down. As depression is a significant troubled teen risk factor, it is critical that your unachieved goals be put away so that your teenager doesn’t feel pushed into reaching your unrealized potential and dreams. 

Provide Your Teen With Opportunities For Discovery

Once you shelve your expectations on what your teen should be doing, your next step is to open the door to other opportunities. A study that followed the engagement of children and young adults when it came to their activities showed that those who were allowed to choose their activities had a much higher rate of engagement.

So, if you want your teen to find something they are truly passionate about, you have to give them the chance to discover it. Some ways you can assist them in finding what they want to be involved in is by:

  • Encouraging them to try new things, whether it’s cooking at home or trying out for a team.
  • Sign them up for short-term workshops and summer camps so your teenager can sample a range of activities from musical instruments to self-defense.
  • Suggest your teen volunteer in the community or at school. Volunteer positions allow teens specifically to start to see where they may want to focus their future career aspirations.

Another benefit of providing your teenager with ample positive activities is that you can lessen the chance that they will turn to drugs. As boredom is one of the most common factors when it comes to teens and drug abuse, by keeping your teen busily engaged in discovering and developing their potential, you can significantly lower their drug use risks.

Become Involved In Their Activities

As your teen finds what they are passionate about, your wholehearted support needs to be behind them. With your clear support, whether it’s just your presence at their performance or your chauffering abilities, your teen will be able to more fully engage in their activity and reach their full potential.

In fact, research shows that parental support is key to success in childhood, development, and adolescence. Your level of support and engagement can not only predict how well your teen does in school, but affect their overall health, and whether or not they manage to reach their potential.

While teens can reach some level of success without active parental support, their chances are far lower, and it is more likely that your lack of support will hinder your teens’ ability to be successful. So, if you want the best for your son or daughter, be sure to become actively involved in their interests and education.

As you manage your roles of being a dad, a cheerleader, a discovery coach, and so much more, your teens will more easily become who they were meant to be, rather than just the person you wish you were.