Fatherhood Factor

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Addiction

Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Give Your Child a Smartphone

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While the best age for a child to receive their first phone is a topic of wide debate, there are still some ages that most people consider too young. We’re not here to debate what those ages are, but we do want to give you some reasons why you shouldn’t give your child a smartphone. Unfortunately, telling them that you didn’t have a phone at their age isn’t going to cut it anymore.

Phones Are Too Expensive

Have you seen the prices of smartphones recently? A thousand dollars is starting to become the norm in the industry. Granted, we’re aware that most parents will buy their kids a cheaper one, but even on the bargain side of the market, they can easily go for $200 to $300. It’s hard to trust a small child with a “toy” that carries such a hefty price tag. Plus, phone plans themselves can be fairly expensive.

There are much better options for kids on the market, such as child-safe tablets and smartwatches. These watches, in particular, can give parents all the benefits of a smartphone for their child but at a fraction of the cost. On top of that, they’re attached to a wrist, which means they’re less susceptible to drops, spills, and broken screens.

They Could Abuse In-App Purchases

Even though parental features are common these days on smartphones, kids always seem to find a way around them. Then suddenly, before you even know what’s happening, they’ve spent$100 in a game. Since young kids don’t have a fundamental concept of money yet, you can’t even blame them for it. The best way to avoid the situation altogether is not to let them have a phone in the first place.

They Might Become Dependent on Them

While there are ongoing studies on this topic, it’s hard to argue that people don’t have some level of dependence on their devices. If you don’t think that’s the case, try going for a week without your phone and see how you feel afterward. If it didn’t have much of an effect on you, congratulations—you’re stronger than the majority of us.

Regardless of your view on the subject, developing a deep dependence on technology is a big reason why you shouldn’t give your child a smartphone at a young age. Kids’ brains are still developing and don’t need an all-powerful smart device to be at the center of that development.

It’s Good To Tell Them “No”

It can be challenging to keep denying your kid when they continuously ask you for a phone. However, contrary to what you might read on Facebook, saying “no” and setting boundaries with your children is a good thing for them. If they never hear the word “no,” they will go the rest of their life expecting everything to get everything they want when they want it.

Standing your ground and not letting them have a cellphone until you believe they’re ready is one of the best ways to instill a more realistic behavior in them. Plus, your kid will be even more grateful on the day they finally do get a phone than they would have been if you just broke down and gave them one when they asked.

5 Tips for Talking to Your Child About Your Addiction

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Being a single parent is already hard enough, but it’s even harder if you have an addiction that you’re trying to hide from your children. Once you get out of the cycle of addiction, it’s important to come clean with your children so that they know what’s going on and what to expect. 

It makes much more sense for your child to know why you’re sick and going through withdrawal, than for them to think you’re just sick and irritable. While you do need to come clean with your children about your addiction, it’s not the easiest thing to do. Like most parents, you want your child to think of you as invincible and a hero. You can still be all those things. Read on below for a few tips to help you talk to your child about your addiction. 

Acknowledge Their Pain

In most cases, children go through a lot when they have a parent who is suffering from an addiction. The effects of parental drug abuse spread far and wide and can have lifelong effects on kids. Not only is that a good reason to get help for your addiction, but it’s also why you need to acknowledge the pain that your children have gone through because of it. Sincerely apologize for the pain you’ve caused your children and go to therapy with them if you think it will help them cope and move on. 

Become Educated First

Although you’ve been living with your addiction and understand a lot about it, there are always going to be things that you don’t know. That’s why it’s important to educate yourself on addiction before you dive into a conversation about your addiction with your children. They’re probably going to have a lot of questions, and you want to be able to answer them as best as you can. Being educated on the topic helps you do that. 

Assure them this is not their Fault

One of the first things you want to do when you sit your children down to explain your addiction is to assure them that the addiction is in no way their fault. There are many ways that you can help your child through this phase, including getting outside help to help them cope. Make sure that they know they didn’t do this, and that your addiction is completely on you, not on them. 

Time the Talk for the Right Time

You can’t just decide in one minute to sit your children down and explain your addiction to them. If you can, it’s important to have your talk after you have a plan and an addiction treatment program in place. That way, you can prove that things are going to change. You need a calm, quiet, and safe environment to have your talk in. Don’t have a bunch of other people around. It should be just you and your children, as this talk is going to be hard on all of you. You don’t need other people around to worry about. 

End With Love, Hope, and Patience

One of the most important things to do is to end your conversation with hope. Let them know that there is hope that you’ll get better and things will be okay from now on. Let your children know that you love them and have patience with them as well. They might not be willing to believe you in the beginning, so you have to give them the love they deserve and be patient until they come around. 

These are just a few tips to help you talk to your children about your addiction. Remember, make sure to have a plan in place first, then end your conversation with hope.

Supporting a Foster Child Who Was Born into an Addicted Home

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As the opioid epidemic continues to envelop the lives of individuals throughout the nation, more and more parents who are affected are deemed unfit to care for their children. This is one of the contributing factors as to why rates of children in foster care have recently been on the rise. Children who come from a home with addicted parents have likely been affected by their parent’s addiction in a variety of ways. They may have been subjected to dangerous situations, experienced their parent’s drug use first hand, matured extremely fast, and face unique challenges that differentiate them from other foster children.

Nearly every state in the U.S. has experienced a rise of children in foster care and it can be directly related to the opioid epidemic. Regardless of whether or not the child was exposed to opioids early on while in the womb or as they were beginning to grow up, these children have been touched in harmful ways by the opioid crisis. If you and your family are taking in a foster child who comes from an addicted home, it is important to know how to support this child in order to prepare them for the rest of their lives.

Children of Addicts

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) found that children who have been exposed to opioid abuse during their mother’s pregnancy can experience cognitive and behavioral difficulties. On the other hand, if a child was raised in an unhealthy environment and exposed to substance abuse, they are also likely to struggle with learning and their behaviors. Fortunately, this study found that the earlier a child is removed from an addicted home and raised in a nurturing environment, the better chance they have at developing normal intellectual abilities and healthy behaviors.

If you have made the decision to foster a child who comes from an addicted home, it is essential to remember that addiction is a family disease that affects parents and children alike. Studies suggest that children whose parents have a substance use disorder are eight times more likely to abuse drugs in the future themselves. They may have experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse which can lead to anxiety, detachment disorders, a lack of coping skills, and fear in communicating their emotions and needs. With emotional support and a caring family, however, this can be mitigated and the cycle of addiction can be broken.

Tips for Supporting a Foster Child

When fostering a child who comes from an addicted home, it is essential to instill a stable environment that makes them feel safe. Here are some tips to consider practicing to support your foster child.

  • Engage in frequent and honest conversation. Once the child is comfortable in your home, it is important to not shy away from open communication on the topic of addiction. After all, the best preventative strategy in helping keep teens away from drugs and alcohol is by talking to kids about substance abuse. If you have personal experience with drugs or alcohol, talk openly and honestly with the child about it. This is an opportunity to speak to them about the dangers of substance abuse. By speaking to them in an honest, nonjudgemental way, the child may be more likely to open up to you about their experiences or any questions her or she may have.
  • Encourage them to live a healthy lifestyle. It is likely that a child who comes from an addicted home has not been living a fulfilling, healthy lifestyle. Be sure to implement healthy meals and activities into both your life and the child’s life. You can cook dinner with them, take them on nature walks or hikes, and teach them healthy coping skills by practicing them in your own home.  
  • Get them involved in after-school activites, sports, or hobbies. Encouraging your foster child to take part in after-school activities, youth sports, or hobbies like art, yoga, exercise, and music can help the child develop their interests and instill them with the sense that they are a part of something that is important to them. Many of these activities will also serve as a coping mechanism and help the child build meaningful relationships with their peers.
  • Be available to the child. When coming from a home where the parents are addicted to drugs or alcohol, the parents may have placed their substances as a top priority over the needs of their children. This type of neglect can cause a child to have a low sense of self-worth and self-esteem. By involving your foster child in your life and treating them as your own, you can provide immense support and consistency for the child. Be available when they need to talk and make them aware that they matter to you.
  • Help boost the child’s confidence. Making your foster child feel like they matter is the first step in building his or her confidence. Other things you can do to boost their self esteem include praising them when they meet a goal or do something exceptionally well and encouraging them to work hard at anything they encounter. On the contrary, avoid criticism that is not constructive. Instead, show them what they can do differently or better next time.
  • Be patient with the child. It is perfectly acceptable for it to take your foster child various lengths of time to feel safe and comfortable in the home. They may also stray away from opening up to you – and that’s okay. If you harass them or push them to talk to you about certain things, it may only push them away. Understand that your foster child may believe that his or her thoughts and opinions are not important, making it imperative for you to continue treating them with love and acceptance. When they do confide in you, make it known that their opinions are valued.

Despite the unique challenges that children who come from addicted households may face, a nurturing environment can help them grow and overcome their experiences. Regardless of their background, children are not destined to suffer from addiction due to the simple fact that their parents do. Supporting the child through difficult times can help set them up for a healthy, successful life.

Watching a child grow and flourish can be a glorious blessing to encounter that you will remember for a lifetime. Providing a foster child with addicted parents with stability, a healthy lifestyle, and self-esteem can help teach them coping skills and healthy habits that are needed for a happy life.

Losing My Biggest Supporter

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My father had a hard life. When he was 15 he lost his mother to a heart attack. One year later his dad remarried and the step mom kicked my father out of the house. He was on his own at the ripe age of 16. I never met my dad’s dad, I met his brother once and he was nice but there was a total disconnect from his side of the family. I open up with this because my father had no business being a father to kids let alone being a good one. He was in fact a great one, it seems he made sure to never be like his father and if he had kids, he wanted to be there for his kids and support them in every way. My dad was my baseball coach growing up, he took me to plenty of pro sports games, we went fishing, we did a lot of things a son and father should do. He was my rock, I was wired just like him so we had a special kind of connection. On March 17th, 2015 I lost my dad, he had a heart attack at 60.

I was in bad shape in 2015. I was hooked on drugs and estranged from my family. About six months prior I was working for my dad and got let go for several things I did wrong. It broke my father’s heart. He gave me every chance possible and I blew it. I went those six months without speaking to him until about three days before he passed away, I reached out and we had a very deep talk. I will forever be grateful we talked that day. If we didn’t I think my grieving would of been much worse. My mom was the one who called me that morning on March 17th. I was renting a room in South Florida at the time, more isolated from the world than I had ever been. I’m sure if my mom had the option she wouldn’t have me come up to the service but what could she do? I went to the service and it was too surreal, there was my dad in an open casket and I was so high I couldn’t even feel anything I should of been feeling. I spent the next two months crying myself to sleep every night, I was living in a nightmare.

After those two months I was given an opportunity to get help again at a treatment center, I was so beaten down and worn out I said yes right away and was very grateful for the chance.To say I was hopeless was an understatement. going away to treatment was my only chance to regain hope. I felt without guidance from my father and not having him to root me on, it was impossible for me to get my life together. My dad had spent so much time teaching me the simple morals and values that he lived by and made him successful and I had failed him immensely upon his passing.

I remember digging down deep to really reflect on what could motivate me to continue on and get my life in order. That’s when it hit me like a thunderbolt, I had to honor my dad. Honor what he raised me to be and how he taught me to act, he had spent so much of his life trying to guide me that if I never got it together that would render his time spent on me useless. I wasn’t going to let that happen. While dealing with my drug addiction, I also prepared to live a life of integrity that I was always raised to do. Things like working hard, being honest, being loyal and helping out others. These were very simple principles my dad had lived by and tried his absolute best to pass on to me.

My first year sober was so special to me. I spent all of it building a new life and proving to myself that I can be what my father always knew I could be. When I had moments where I was at a crossroads, I could hear his voice ringing in my head, the voice was loud and clear because I always knew what he would say about situations. It’s something that reigns true to this day. It has been four years now since he has passed, I miss him more than ever but there is unquestionably a piece of him that is always with me. The connection I have with him is so strong that it feels like he is still here. I hope someday I can be at least half the man he was.

Dad, My Addiction was Never Your Fault

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I was a tornado, ripping through the lives of everyone I came in contact with. I left my family behind in complete ruins as I was led off, into the trenches, by my ravishing addiction. I became a slave to addiction and I was willing to destroy anyone/anything that stood in the way of my beloved opiates. My mother passed away, and that’s when my life truly became unmanageable. I was ignorant to the stark nature of what I was up against. My father was grieving the unexpected loss of his wife and utterly powerless over his daughter’s crippling disease.

“This is only going to end one of three ways Trish: jail, institutions, or death.” By this time, CPS was involved and custody over my 4-year-old son was at risk. My father was consumed with fear of not only losing his daughter but his grandson as well. I remember my father desperately pleading his cause on what seemed like any another chaotic Saturday. Per usual, my father was right. I was arrested an hour later, while en route to meet my local drug dealer. It wasn’t until I was detoxing from opiates, on the unforgiving jail cell floor, that reality hit me. I can only imagine the sheer panic and terror my father felt, thousands of miles away, knowing he had zero control of the fate that lay before his baby girl.

Daddy,

My addiction was never your fault. I look back to my earliest years and you were always there. You took me away from my biological mother because she struggled with this disease herself. Not many men would willingly take on full responsibility of being a single dad, but you did. In fact, you never spoke a negative word about my mother.

You spent most of my life, sheltering me from the painful memories of the past. You did everything in your power to ensure I never ventured down the painful road that you and my mother did. Yet still, this disease was lurking in the shadows of my DNA, waiting to devour me. Eventually, I gave in. I want you to know, it was never your fault.

Throughout my addiction, I was awfully defiant. I rebelled against any advice you offered. In fact, I almost always chose to do the opposite of anything you suggested. I remember you painfully begging me to heed your advice. I also remember the utter frustration that became you when I chose to do things my way, ultimately ending in self-propelled misery. You engrained the definition of insanity, into my head, throughout my entire childhood. I was a rebellious, addicted teen. I was too young and naive to understand the method to your madness. Insanity became me. Turns out, you were right all along. (And you still are.)

I want you to know, I never hated you. I know I told you otherwise, more times than I can count. You are the one person in the world, that has never turned your back on me. Through the best of times, through the worst of times… you’ve always been there. I was incapable of receiving love because I hated who I became. I became everything I swore I never would be. You taught me that integrity, My addiction had me fully convinced I was inadequate, unlovable, disgusting, shameful, and condemned. Shackled, to a disease I knew nothing about, I felt unworthy of any love. My addiction was never your fault.

I will never forget the day you came into town and met me and Liam at Waffle House. CPS was involved, and I cannot recall a time that I’ve ever seen you more fearful. I was covered in sores, emaciated, and completely delusional. I will never forget the terror and pain in your eyes as you asked “Trish is everything really OK? You know you can tell me anything?” You convinced me, from a very young age, that you would always know when I was lying. I can say, today, that you always have. You’ve always had a discerning connection with me. I was sick and choosing to suffer in silence. Truth be told, I couldn’t get finished with breakfast soon enough, to ask you for money, and revel in isolation again. I always hated when you came into town because your unconditional love convicted even the darkest parts of my disease.

My fondest memories of you are singing “Butterfly Kisses” to me (tears filling your eyes), tirelessly scaring me while laughing hysterically, and your relentless love that pursued me even into the gates of insanity. You always made sure I had everything I ever needed. My addiction stole every ounce of willpower that I thought I had. I was enslaved to opiates and the power of choice was nonexistent. I can’t help but think of the parable of The Prodigal Son. You came to court, the day I was released from jail and stood on my behalf. Despite all of my offenses, you held my hand the entire way through. Tough love is necessary love for a woman like me.

My addiction was never your fault. You constantly reminded me how loved I was. You were the happiest when your family was happy. I never wanted for anything. You taught me to always choose integrity. From cleaning airplanes, at Delta, to operations manager…I watched you build a life, from the ground up. You taught me to fight for what is right, always. You instilled morals and principles that still exist within me and are now being carried onto my children today.

Generation to generation, none of it was in vain. I was lost Daddy and I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you and our family. I will spend the rest of my life making living amends to you by choosing life every day. Thank you for letting me find my way. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for taking on the responsibility of Liam while I got sober. God has restored our relationship and established trust, while easing anxieties, and breaking the generational chains of addiction. I am most grateful for the amazing grace you continue to show me. Your resilience lives on in my recovery. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know where I would be.

I love you,
Your princess

To the father reading this, please know you didn’t do anything wrong. Your daughter is sick but she loves you very much. Guilt and shame have prevented her from showing. I know you are afraid, she is too. Please know that you cannot save her. She must experience utter desperation in order to experience true freedom. Never give up on her but let her find her way. Most importantly, never blame yourself. You are an amazing father.

I Suspect That My Teen Has A Drug Addiction, How Do I Talk To Him About It?

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You can read all the articles you want on understanding a loved one’s addiction, but when it’s your child that you suspect has an addiction, all practical advice seems to fly out the window and you are left unsure how to help them.

As teens who are suffering from drug addiction are often moody, secretive, and more prone to lashing out, it can be incredibly difficult to know how to approach them about your concerns. To help you overcome this hurdle to help your troubled teen, there are several steps you can take.

Find Non-confrontational Ways To Start The Conversation

Even when teens aren’t struggling with drug addiction, opening up any conversation can be tricky, especially if the habit of open conversation between you and your teen hasn’t been established. Either way, it is important that you approach your teen in non-confrontational ways to open up the conversation about your concerns. Some ways you can try are:

  • Go on a drive with your teen and talk about some of the teen drug abuse statistics you looked up beforehand. Since you are in the car, your teen can’t just exit the conversation, but they won’t have to make direct eye contact, which can make teens defensive.
  • Take a walk with your teen and talk about your own experiences with drug use and what you have learned. Even if you have not used drugs yourself, it is likely someone in your circle of family and friends have, and you can discuss how your loved one’s drug abuse impacted those around them.
  • Make your questions open-ended which cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. For example, instead of saying, “Has anyone offered you drugs?” try something like, “How would you feel about someone who offers you drugs?” Even if the only answer is, “I dunno, weird I guess,” you can pursue that line, asking them why it makes them feel weird and what your teen’s response would be.

Talk To Your Teenager About The Signs You See

If the initial forays into opening the conversation on your teen’s drug use don’t help your teen talk to you about their addiction, you will need to be more direct. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m concerned that some of the changes you’ve been undergoing are linked to drug abuse.” Likely, your teen will deny it, so be prepared to ask them about the signs you have seen.

If you aren’t sure what the signs of teen drug abuse are, here are some things which you can focus on when talking to your teen:

  • Avoids family time
  • Has become highly secretive
  • Extreme changes in appetite
  • Mood swings with startling highs and lows
  • Lack of good hygiene
  • Covering up smells with mint or body sprays
  • Drop in grades
  • Loss of interest in hobbies and extracurriculars
  • Weight fluctuations

Be Clear About The Family Stance On Drug Use

As you talk to your teen about their drug addiction, it is essential that you are clear about your family’s stance on drug abuse. You should also be clear that this stance applies to street drugs as well as the kinds your teen may find in your home, such as cigarettes, alcohol, and prescription pills. It is surprising, but many teens don’t consider abusing prescription drugs as bad as using street drugs, though the addictive results are clearly the same.

If you haven’t talked about the repercussions of breaking the family rules concerning drug use, be sure to bring them up as you talk to your teen about your suspicions around their drug addiction. Also, along with the consequences, let your teen know that you are ready and willing to help them if your teen is ready to be honest and face down their addiction. Because, with perseverance and support, you can help your teen as they struggle through their drug addiction and be a key player in helping your teen recover and move forward again.

To My Parents: Where Did I Go?

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I had a very close relationship with my parents growing up. My brothers and I were lucky enough to have parents that loved to travel. We got to see and experience parts of the United States a lot of people never get the chance to. They would take us to the beach, the mountains and sporting events. Not long after we moved from Georgia to Nevada, I would disappear into the abyss that was a heroin addiction. I found myself withdrawing from my family in favor of other addicts. I felt as if I was no longer a part of my family. I became a phantom and fell victim to the disease. The only thing that mattered to me was getting high.

One Fateful Day

I had already experimented with marijuana, psychedelics, MDMA, painkillers and cocaine. I told myself I would never try heroin or meth. Little did I know, I was cursed with an addictive personality. The D.A.R.E. program in school tried to teach us to “Just Say No.” People do not understand that for people like us, it is not that easy. We are almost always going to try anything once especially if it is offered to us for free. That is how my addiction began one fateful day at a friend’s house. What started as a few simple hits of a tiny piece of heroin off tin foil would soon become a full-blown addiction.

Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

I was living with my parents throughout my entire opiate addiction. I was almost always away from home. Even when I was home, I would make myself practically invisible to my family. I had built a strong network of fellow addicts due to the simple fact that I was the only person who could provide transportation. My father would allow me to borrow the extra car every day. I would use it to pick up my new found drug of choice. I had reached a point to where all my money was going towards feeding my addiction. I went broke and reached a new low of scamming, stealing and pawning- even from my own family. Getting high was all that mattered to me. I found myself hanging out with the wrong crowd and flying under the radar of law enforcement.

Live and Learn

I have no doubt that my parents knew there was something going on. I believe my parents were too afraid of intervening for several reasons. Getting through to me at that point in time would have been similar to getting through a brick wall. My parents also figured they would let me learn my lessons the hard way. I know it was not because they did not love or care about me. I suppose I was extremely unapproachable. As time went on, I was spending less and less time with my family. I was not all there mentally or emotionally. I was so far gone and strung out I felt as if I was a zombie. I had completely turned my back on the ones that wanted to be there for me the most. I often compare addiction to possession and rightfully so. Throughout active addiction, we are not ourselves. We are not capable of reasoning or logic. We act based on our own selfish needs regardless of consequence.

Give Us Our Son Back

I eventually broke free from my heroin addiction in my early twenties. I would find myself falling prey to cocaine later on in my mid-twenties. I had always been an alcoholic. If I was not using drugs, I was substituting with alcohol. I somehow always found myself caught in the vicious cycle of addiction and alcoholism. I would hold resentment towards my parents for the longest time. I would blame them for most of my problems and mistakes in life. I felt they could have done more to help me, especially at an earlier age. Through my eyes, I saw it as they had given up on me. My sick thinking was why stop if nobody cares what happens to me anyways? Difficulties in my life spanning over a decade would eventually lead me to an attempt to drink and drug myself to death. My parents could no longer bear watching me self-destruct. This time around, they reached out and offered to get me into detox and treatment. My addiction and alcoholism turned me into my evil twin, my own worst enemy. The day I went into treatment, my father said words to me that I will never forget. My father told me he “just wants his son back.” I had never let words hit me that hard. His  words still bring me to tears at times. I truly feel I just disappeared into a black hole. I forgot who I really was. I lost my true self, my true being. My family knew it. I just failed to see it. I still find myself often asking the question…where did I go?