Behavior | Fatherhood Factor

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Not all children on the autism spectrum demonstrate aggression. The autism community has an axiom speaking to the uniqueness and idiosyncrasies of the spectrum: “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” However, some children on the autism spectrum are more prone to aggressive behavior, and if you believe your child may be on the spectrum, you should seek a diagnosis to begin pursuing intervention strategies.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

An all-too-common diagnosis in young children, the impulsive behaviors and lack of self-control stemming from ADHD often manifest in acts of verbal and physical aggression, such as shouting at parents or teachers or unintentionally injuring peers. Insufficient sleep can exacerbate or increase the likelihood of aggression, and other issues outlined here can also have a combined effect on behavior.

Trouble at Home

Issues between parents often trickle down to their kids as causes of aggressive behavior in children. Children who struggle with their parents going through divorce often have no socially sanctioned outlet for their feelings, and in lieu of healthy sublimation avenues, they lash out verbally and physically. Domestic violence between spouses can also unintentionally model aggressive behaviors that kids take with them out of the house.

Difficulty at School

School, the place where kids spend most of their week, can cause tensions and frustrations that lead to aggressive behavior. Undiagnosed learning disorders can result in poor academic performance that catalyzes violent outbursts. Bullying—still an issue in some schools despite years of anti-bullying initiatives—could lead victims to become bullies themselves, taking their victimhood out on others.

Violence in Media

Objectionable content in media has been a cultural flashpoint in America for years. While some cultural critics ridicule the real-world influence of violent children’s programming, if you suspect that TV shows or YouTube videos are influencing your child’s behavior, it’s best to intercede and limit exposure to this content.

During my latest visit to the happiest place on earth (Starbucks, as it’s known to the layperson), I marveled at the professionalism of the associate manning the drive-through window.

I’m guessing that he was in his early twenties, which is why it was so striking.

“How are you doing on this wonderful Saturday morning?”…was his initial comment, and that was accompanied with a genuine smile.

He was positive, enthusiastic, and shockingly polite.

I could only assume that Starbucks had done a great job of setting good expectations for their people…and this one took the training to heart.

But, is polite, courteous behavior something that’s traditionally taught by an organization?

I finally came to the conclusion that it was more probable that the young man had been raised by people who cared to teach him manners.

Seriously, when was the last time you came away from an interaction with a young person thinking, “Wow, that kid was raised right!”?

Come to think of it…when was the last time your kids surprised you with their manners?

Do you have multiple examples? Or, is it a challenge to recall the last time?

Either way, you are likely the cause…as exciting or as sobering as that may be.

A Little Gut Check

This has been a recent point of contention in my house.

My wife and I have very good intentions, and for the most part, our kids know how to be courteous towards others.

However, a strange thing happens as you get busy. You sometimes get a little lazy.

You don’t completely abandon your teaching, you just stop requiring the “please’s” and “thank you’s” or the courteous tone of voice.

Like us, you suddenly find your three year-old demanding a snack or your six year-old refusing to thank her sister for being kind.

Or, you face my personal pet peeve…your child refuses to respond to an adult when they are spoken to.

It may sound trivial, but the small things carry a lot of significance.

Yes, you’re Becoming Lax

So, what are the signs that tell you that you need to tune up your “manner meter”?

When you experience polite behavior, you stand comatose and often lose control of your bodily fluids.
Your child says “please” and you respond by reminding them that you don’t speak Mandarin.
Your child begins any verbal interaction with you in a voice that can only be construed as yelling.
When thirsty, your kids communicate with you by shaking their empty cups, as though deaf and mute.
You personally do any of these things yourself.

The Answer is Simple

Of all the things you need to teach your kids, teaching them to be courteous is really not that difficult.

It simply takes presence of mind and consistency.

For example, if you want your kids to say “please” and “thank you” then require it. If their requests don’t involve these words then your answer is no…until they can ask appropriately. Or, if you want to be really hardcore, you may even deny them the request until the following day.

You should also be using the same courteous words and tone yourself.

Nothing reeks of hypocrisy like telling your kids to do something that you are unwilling to do yourself.

Your Turn

Have you had success in teaching your kids how to be polite?

Or, have you really struggled in this area?

Regardless of your experience, let us know what you’ve encountered.

You might just convince someone else that polite kids don’t have to be mythical creatures. You can actually raise one yourself!

For a nice little reference, I’ve added a video to help you along your way.

Good luck!

Causes of Aggressive Behavior in Children