Christian

Sex, Marriage, and "The Boogie Man"

September 4, 2010 By Keagan Pearson 2 Comments

Best Kept Secret

If you were to be asked to write down the top five marriage struggles that come to mind what would you list? Money? Children? The in-laws? Maybe you would pick communication or the demands of work? But how many of you would select sex…or the lack thereof for you “guys” reading this?

For all the joking attention that this topic receives, it carries allot of weight in a marriage. So where does it go wrong? I could write about the lack of romance or the busyness of our lives, but I will leave that to the slew of others that have covered those topics well. Instead, I think the Boogie Man is increasingly to blame.

Let me explain….

About a year ago, I ran across an eye-catching post from a popular Christian blogger named Tim Challies titled Sexual Detox: Pornifying The Marriage Bed. Although the title was intriguing I never got around to reading the piece until a few days ago. By this time, Tim had turned his series in to a free 28 page e-book (sexual-detox-a-guide-for-the-married-guy) that I devoured in one sitting. As a husband and father, and more importantly as a Christian man, this is a topic of particular significance. In a nutshell, the book deals with the issue of pornography and its devastating impact on the lives of men and that of their wives (whether present or future).

Just like the Boogie Man, pornography is often referenced only in closed circles as a joke among friends. The hushed mentality however, makes it one of the best kept secrets of destroyed marriages.

Secular vs. Sacred

Like any good student, I have gotten insight from an array of perspectives. I have talked with people who share my faith, those that don’t, and those that think pornography actually has its benefits. So what did I learn? That the vast majority of people (whether Christian or not) see the inherent danger involved in pornography. Although there are some that give it a try, you would be hard pressed to find a logical, well thought out argument on the rosy attributes of porn….or at least one that couldn’t be immediately counteracted by a more substantiated claim. But if that is the case, then why is an industry that brings in $14 billion in yearly revenue continue to thrive and grow? While I am tempted to offer up a theological explanation (with the hope that some would contemplate this themselves), I thought it more appropriate to lay out some advice/realities that wouldn’t draw on required biblical knowledge.

1. Read Tim Challies’ Sexual Detox E-Book

Yes, his book is biblically based and written from the Christian world-view, but it is also chalked full of great insights into the misconceptions of porn and what it does to a marriage relationship.

2. She Really Does Care

I don’t care how “open” your relationship is with your wife. She cares that you are ogling another woman! This is one of the most fascinating lies that I have ever heard. It is entirely inhuman to assume that a woman that you have committed your life to would find it “okay” to have her husband sharing what should be a very intimate encounter, with another woman, whether on screen or in person.

3. “Here’s Your Brain On Porn”

As much as we would advocate against drug use, we should use the same approach when it comes to porn consumption. I recently ran across an article on Web MD that referenced a Senate subcommittee hearing that took place in 2004, where it was described that the effects of pornography on the brain was equivalent to that of using cocaine. Certainly the physical toll is different, but the inherent impact on the brains neurological receptors is very similar. This offers strong evidence to the notion that porn has some intense addictive properties.

4. Reality Is Never Enough

How can your wife ever live up to the manufactured, air brushed, inflated, and altogether unnatural appearance that pornography creates? The reality is that when these images and acts are consumed it warps your sense of what’s real. Consequently, the beautiful woman that you share your life with no longer measures up and just about everything in that relationship becomes substandard and inadequate.

5. Come Clean And Talk About It

If you have issues with this then you need to come clean and talk about it. In the worst scenarios people have lost all that is dear to them because of porn. The idea that you can just put the problem aside and it will magically disappear is very naive. It may not take psychological intervention but at the very least it will require you to contemplate a serious shift in mindset that demands an open dialog.

6. Remove Temptations

If you were trying to avoid eating sweets then you probably wouldn’t stock your fridge full of Snickers right? The same is true for pornography. Remove your access by ridding yourself of the product. Now, what about all of you folks that live and work on the Internet (is there anyone that doesn’t)? Become accountable to a friend or a family member that will really kick you in the butt if need be. In fact, why not be accountable to your wife? If anyone is prepared to deliver a timely throat strike because of porn, it would certainly be your bride!

Who Cares Anyway?

In short, we all should care. At its base, pornography attempts to neutralize and eliminate the effectiveness that a man has as a husband and father. As a man that was introduced to porn at a relatively young age, I can attest to its sustaining impact. I may not have lost my family or piled up mountains of debt, but I have had to deal with and repair the warped mindset that it creates. Let me attest to the fact that it does not need to take the most extreme forms of exposure to have an impact. All it really takes is access and a personality that’s dismissive enough to doubt its ability to stick.

Why You Must Write Your Boogie Man Post (pushingsocial.com)
How porn destroys sexuality (beliefnet.com)
CNN Highlights Pornography’s Destructive Effects on Society? (newsbusters.org)

A Readers Review (Grace Based Parenting.3)

August 21, 2010 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

There is something very powerful in contemplating the “bottom line.” Whether or not you realize it, there is a bottom line for pretty much everything we do. Even when we find ourselves wondering aimlessly, there was an original purpose. In fact, our knowing the reason for our activity and the end result of our actions is often what drives us to continue on.

So, what is the parenting bottom line? Okay, so it’s in the title of the book…GRACE! Apart from being the overall theme, chapter two is largely centered on how this should play out in the family. As Dr. Kimmel does so well, he presents the premise for his argument through the lens of “grace’s eternal appeal to the human heart.” If grace is to be the basis for our parenting method, then it should color our approach to discipline, handling kids’ fears, and dealing with their little quirks and idiosyncrasies. Of course, this is a central theme for any Christian. It seems only logical that the greatest grace given to us should be what we extend to our children.

Turning Toxic

A good portion of the rest of chapter two is dedicated to Dr. Kimmel fleshing out two very different interactions that assault grace from either side.

The first interaction found Dr. Kimmel at a church event where a couple hundred high school-aged kids were gathered to sing and listen to worship music. Now, for those that have not experienced a youth worship service, this is not normally the kind of music where solemn faces sing old songs from a hymnal (which are honestly very good from time to time). We are talking about a full on band with loud guitars, banging drums, and someone tearing up the keyboards. Understandably, this is not for everyone. However, Dr. Kimmel’s experience with a particular dad at the event really pushed the envelope.

This dad, having been standing near Dr. Kimmel and knowing that he wrote books on parenting, began to vocalize his disgust. Overall, the dad began to ravage the vast majority of the kids because they didn’t fit into his narrow interpretation of appropriate Christian behavior. Without even knowing most of them, this father was making a judgment on their spiritual health from their engagement in a church event that he didn’t approve of. According to Dr. Kimmel, this father “was elevating his personal taste to a level of biblical authority.” Thankfully, Dr. K wasn’t forced into applying the latest UFC grappling technique and things ended quietly.

On the opposite side of the spectrum was a very different experience altogether. After giving a message on his grace based parenting book, Dr. Kimmel was invited to the home of a couple that attended the event. While the parents got things ready for dinner, he took the opportunity to get to know their kids (two boys and one girl). After finding out the oldest boy was a musician, he was invited up to see the boys room where he had multiple guitars, amps, and some stage equipment stockpiled for their next gig. To Dr. Kimmel’s surprise, the teenager also had several half-naked posters on his wall. Shortly after, he heard the two brothers get into a verbal brawl that was laced with language that “would have easily taken a movie to an R rating.”

After eating dinner, Dr. Kimmel was offered a ride back to the airport for his flight home. As he walked through the living room he glanced at the television to see if he could catch the score of the football game. As he squinted at the score he couldn’t help but notice that the couples 15 year-old daughter was lying on top of her boyfriend doing….well, I guess I don’t need to spell that one out. Needless to say, the ride back to the airport left Dr. Kimmel with an opportunity to ask some questions about the couples’ parenting approach. Surprisingly, the man indicated that he and his wife really subscribed to the grace model! Somehow, they had adapted the idea that to exercise grace meant to avoid moral constraint at all costs. In reality, what the couple had done was cheapen the concept of grace….insert Romans 6:1-2 here!

Method Over Madness

Over and over this chapter called for a focus on your method of delivery. Grace allows us to temper ourselves when we react to things that may not be of monumental importance. On the other hand, it also allows us to maintain adherence to the things of God that we cannot afford to circumvent. As Dr. Kimmel puts it, “There is a place for rules, even for strictness, in a grace-based home, but how they are presented makes all the difference on how they are received.”

A Readers Review (Graced Based Parenting.1)

July 8, 2010 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

How different are we? How different are our children?

The remnant of chapter one begins with this theme. Dr. Kimmel uses the adage of “So Little Difference” as a way of focusing our attention on a primary reason for the fear that was mentioned in last weeks post. In the stride of this concept, we find that the sheer self-admittance of our society as being one of “Christian” decent, has proven counterproductive in many ways.

The book points out that the millions of Americans who profess to be Christians have created a counter culture to that of the secular world. Today we have dedicated billions of dollars to brick and mortar institutions with more professionally paid staff to assist us in our Christian walk “than any other nation in the world.” There are Christian bookstores, Christian coffee shops, radio programs, television stations, cruises, and the list goes on. Inherently these things are certainly not bad, but Dr. Kimmel places a very different spin on their outcome.

The book very blatantly draws the correlation between the increased secularization of our society, to the Christian withdrawal from it. In simple terms, the wonderful institutions that we have created, have in many ways, drawn us inward instead of thrusting us outward. Ultimately, Dr. Kimmel theorizes that our creation of this “Christian parallel universe” has had serious negative consequences on the raising of strong Christian children. The point is made that our God-given parental responsibility is to help create adults that reflect the heart of God. This means that the “light” of Christ is to be lived out in our lives and in the lives of our children. This isn’t just for the world inside our churches but more for the world outside its walls.

“Our Maps are Wrong”

With this skewed focus, there comes a series of skewed parenting themes. Dr. Kimmel uses a broad brush to lay out some of the major areas in which parents stumble.

1. Fear-Based Parenting. We fear things like Hollywood, the Internet, the public school system, the gay community, and on and on. With this, “our fears determine our strategy for parenting.” Biblically speaking, the broadest list given by Christ in the Gospels, categorically speaking, is his command to be fearless. Parenting by fear, according to Dr. Kimmel, will produce both intimidated kids and those who lack passion for the lost. In large part, these same kids also become indifferent to the things of God.

2. Evangelical Behavior-Modification Parenting. This philosophy works from the premise that the right environment, information, education, and the absence of negative influences will create better kids. Dr. Kimmel would conclude that this flawed approach draws from incorrect assumptions. First would be the idea that the battle is primarily outside the child (its not) and secondly, that a spiritual life can be thrust onto a child’s heart as though you are downloading information on a hard drive (it can’t). This approach won’t reach much past the surface, which then creates a one-dimensional faith that can’t withstand the assaults from the culture around it.

3. Image-Control Parenting. Oh yes, the favored checklist method of parenting! Taking on the theological moniker of “legalism,” this nifty approach is very easy for parents to fall in to. The idea is that we will raise appropriate offspring by our church attendance, the way we dress, the way we speak, or by the schools we attend. According to Dr. Kimmel, these are all well-meaning decisions as parents but they are made for the wrong reasons. Moreover, we are kidding ourselves if we think that kids don’t understand the difference between living by a checklist and living by our trust in God to lead us through our decision-making. Our kids are young, they are not stupid!

You Liar!

At this point I must come clean and admit that I mislead you all last week. This first chapter has proven to be too rich for just two posts. Consequently, the remaining parenting faux pas, as well as the remaining topics of chapter one, will flow in to the next reader review post(s). I assure you, it will be worth your time!

A Readers Review (Grace Based Parenting)

July 3, 2010 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

For someone who loves to write, I have never been a voracious reader. Well, I have found the error in my ways and have recently resolved to read like a writer really should….consistently!

Consequently, I decided to kick off what I hope to be one of many posts that will review my progress of a current book selection.

Leading the discussion for the next several posts in this series will be a book written by Dr. Tim Kimmel called Grace Based Parenting. Dr. Kimmel is a Christian author that has dedicated his time and ministry towards the growth of strong families as a means to a stronger society. As such, the backdrop for this book is one that draws from the necessity of Christ being the focal point. Nevertheless, it provides a great deal of pertinent advice for parents regardless of your background.

Ready or not, here we go!

Welcome To The Parenting Puzzle

So picture this….you are sitting at a card table with a very elaborate puzzle strewn across its face. It is obvious that the puzzle is going to be challenging but there are a couple of things that you should know. First, all of the edge pieces of the puzzle have been removed so that you cannot rely on those to help you get started. As an added challenge, someone also decided to throw in several pieces from a different puzzle, and you have no idea which ones they are. If that wasn’t enough, the lid to box with the picture on it was lost so you are just going to have to guess what the puzzle is supposed to look like. This looks like fun right? As Dr. Kimmel puts it, “I would rather have my gums scraped.”

This horrifying picture begins the first chapter’s description of what challenges we face in raising children. Aptly titled “Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short,” chapter one fleshes out the common mistakes made by parents, especially Christian parents.

Extreme Parents

Dr. Kimmel points towards the vast reactions that parents have when faced with the erosion of clear moral boundaries in our society. Because of this obscurity, many parents take to one extreme or the other.

An obvious starting point is the extended license that parents may give their kids. They can hang out with whoever they want, watch anything they want on T.V., accommodate their sexual desires, etc. This is especially the case for those of us that were raised in environments free from appropriate parental restraints. Even the most well-meaning parents can sacrifice their deepest convictions when challenges arise.

From One Extreme To The Other

Now, many of us may have the temptation to camp on this single form of extreme parenting but Dr. Kimmel takes it a step further. He identifies another form that is equally toxic. In fact, he goes so far as to identify this competing form of extreme parenting as something that can “leave scar tissue on the spiritual lives of our children that may never go away.” This is the type of parenting where boundaries are tightened much more than effective parenting demands. In exact opposite to the first form of extreme parenting, this approach is often the result of an overreaction to a life or a culture without boundaries. Interestingly enough, Dr. Kimmel asserts that the most likely candidates for this kind of parenting are those that grew up without boundaries!

Our Way Or The Highway

Complicating matters even further are the imposing voices that we hear all around us. Even though many of these voices have little to do with the actual outcome of our kids, they are represented in such a way that it would seem irresponsible not to listen. We have to feed our kids a certain way, educate them in certain ways, and discipline them in certain ways. Although Kimmel certainly acknowledges that there some great resources available for parents, he does say that we need to be free to experiment within the moral parameters of the Bible.

Overall, the proof that a parenting model is effective “is how well-equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race.” Notice that Kimmel did not say “as vital members of the Christian community.” His point in making this statement is no less than revolutionary! Our kids should be capable to attend the most the hostile universities, to work in the greediest of environments, and to raise their families in the most “hedonistic” communities without being the least bit intimidated. More importantly, Kimmel’s intent is to say that our kids need to be engaged in the lives of the community around them. It is at this point that they can truly express the reason for their strength, which is Christ.

A little taste….

With the next post in this series we will discuss the different forms of extreme parenting and how this is often determined by how we view God. We will also get our first taste of what graced based parenting is supposed to look like when positioned against opposing methods. This should get us through chapter one and prepare us for our entrance into chapter two.

Get ready for a gut check all!

Christian

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