Fatherhood Factor

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Dating

Things That Every Considerate Father Does to His Daughter’s Suitor

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“They all grow up so fast.” – that’s the rudimentary response you’ll hear from every proud parent.

Indeed, there’s a lot of truth to that statement. The concept of time is somehow altered when you have kids. Everything seems fast-tracked, from the moment you first changed their diapers to that marriage announcement of theirs.

But before marriage can consummate, parents will have their rightful say about the people their children date. Fathers naturally tend to be stringent and picky with the qualities of a man that pursues her daughter.

It may be slightly awkward on the first encounter, but here’s what every considerate dad will do upon interacting with her daughter’s love interest:

#1: Acknowledges the guy

Whether it’s a brief handshake or a basic eyebrow nod, considerate fathers give every person a chance to prove himself – including his daughter’s suitor.

That simple gesture can pay huge dividends not just for him, but the whole family. First, he doesn’t have to waste time and energy assuming that ‘cruel guy’ image, who prejudices and ridicules a person without sound cause.

Second, he’ll command more respect and endearment from his daughter and his entire family, simply because he handled the situation like every fine, middle-aged man would.

As a father, you don’t necessarily have to be the best of buddies with the guy; you just have to pay the same amount of respect that you usually exhibit on every family visitor.

#2: Asks him the questions that matter

The university he’s in, his socioeconomic background, and his aspirations in life – these things are often asked on the first house visit.

But as a considerate father, who’s main priority is to find his daughter’s ultimate and rightful soulmate, you should unravel his answers to these truth-seeking questions:

  • How do you handle conflict?
  • What makes you think you’re ready for this kind of commitment?
  • Why my daughter?
  • What makes you think you’ll be the best husband material for my daughter?
  • Would you consider marriage counseling if there are debacles along your way?

His answers to these questions are intended to unmask his values as a man. Can he suppress negative emotions? Does he only value your daughter’s surface value, or does he genuinely love her character?

Is he mentally and physically ready for a relationship? Does he run away when the going gets tough or exhausts everything he’s got to save it?

Lastly, is he really worthy of your daughter’s love?

These questions may be blunt and very straightforward, but you’ll know your daughter may have found a keeper when the guy answers it wholeheartedly, rather than laughing at it.

#3: Occasionally invites the guy over

A considerate – and wise – father puts a premium in consistency. The guy may have made a good impression in your first encounter with him, but you must realize that he may have rehearsed answers to your questions, or plotted carefully his moves.

Utilize the element of surprise. For instance, invite him to dinner a few hours before, to see if he’s willing to brave the city traffic just to make it. If he gives a lame excuse, then that can be a clear red flag for inconsistency.

By inviting the guy, though irregularly, you can better assess the parallelism between the guy he’s portraying and the guy he really is.

#4: Respects the guy’s efforts

Some fathers just like to shove the effort of their daughter’s suitors right at their faces. This is especially true when the latter gifts his daughter and his family (including him) on special occasions like birthdays or Christmas.

Rather than rejecting the gift, or feeding it in the trash bin, why not consider accepting and using it? At the end of the day, no person wants his efforts and spending to go for absolute naught.

A considerate father understands that respect begets respect, that’s why he’s the champion of his family.

#5: Leaves the ultimate decision to his daughter

A confident and considerate father trusts the way she raised her daughter of legal age – believing that the intuitions and values he instilled are enough to enable her to make the right choices, particularly on relationships and marriage.

You just don’t disapprove of his suitor, because he’s gnarly or not on the same economic level as your family. You can always share your genuine impressions of the guy, but not force her to take a course of action she wouldn’t want.

As a wrap-up, considerate fathers don’t sweat much or raise an eyebrow in disapproval when they heard that their daughter’s suitor will be meeting them. They give the guy a fair fighting chance while being confident that his daughter is equipped with the ability to dispose of the fellow, if she ever sees or discovers something about him that’s wholly unacceptable by every standard.

Are you that father?

4 Tips For Being in a Relationship with a Single Mother

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Generally, fatherhood is something you prepare for. You and a partner either decide to have a child, or when you’re surprised by one you have 9 or so months to get ready for what it takes. Parenting is always harder than most men expect, but the preparation at least allows you to think about how to become a great parent.

When you’re dating – or marrying – a single mother, there’s often considerably less preparation. Not only do you have to try to make a relationship work – you also immediately become someone that has an impact on a child, whether you want to have one or not. Being in a relationship with a single mother means that you’re in a relationship with both her and her kids, and for many men this can feel a little difficult.

How to Be With a Single Mother

The good news is that it’s actually very easy to make these relationship works. You simply have to know how to approach both the relationship and the children, and you’ll find that the relationship will thrive if you’re with the right person. Consider the following tips for improving the success of the relationship.

  • Talk to Your Partner About Expectations

You and your partner need to understand what the other person is looking for. This is important in any relationship, but especially important when there is a child involved. You need to discuss what she’s looking for, what you’re looking for, and what you both want to do for the child. It’s also important that you both have an understanding that the child cannot be a factor in whether the relationship works. Meaning, if the two of you are struggling as a couple and are not meant to be, you need to end the relationship as you would any other. Staying together for the child will only introduce further stress.

  • Be An Old Friend Authority Figure, Not a Dad

Most children already have a father, and even in the event the father is not in their life, your role isn’t to replace her father. Your role is to be a really nice guy, while also being an authority figure. Don’t try to take over as dad, especially if the child is affected by their parent’s relationships. Instead, interact with the child when it makes sense. Don’t be afraid to tell them to stop doing something (nicely, of course) if they’re misbehaving, but otherwise let the child get to know you…rather than you doing whatever you can to raise the child.

  • Find Fun Group Activities

You need a chance to get to know the woman your dating, but you also know that the child is going to be more involved. Ideally, you find date ideas that are fun for everyone. For example, playing mini-golf is something that a lot of men enjoy doing on dates, and it’s also something that works well with kids. This will keep you actively “dating”, while still allowing your partner to be a parent.

  • Take It Slow

Chances are if you’re with her you’re not playing a game – you’re actually interested in her and being part of her life. Usually when men have that desire, they have the tendency to rush things. In this case, however, you can’t. Don’t expect her to put you first right away. You also shouldn’t expect the child to warm to you for a long time. Be patient with her and the child, and in the meantime work on your own stress and anxiety so that the pace of the relationship doesn’t affect you negatively.

Being a Sudden Father

Your partner’s child has their own personality. Get to know them like you would any child, and don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your reservations or fears. If you truly care about the woman you’re with, and she cares about you, you’ll easily work through it and eventually be a great male figure in your partner’s child’s life.

Four Fun Ideas to Introduce Your Child to Your New Partner

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The dating scene isn’t easy for anyone, especially single fathers.

As a single father you have to think about your children and how they will interact with your new significant other and vice versa. If you have made that choice to commit to someone, you are most likely ready to introduce your child to your new partner.

The best ways to do this is to make it a fun and memorable experience for all parties.

Here are four ‘dates’ to consider for the first meeting.

Ice skate or Roller Skate: This is a great way for everyone to have a great time and laugh. Ice and roller skating rinks are designed for children and adults, the environment is very laid back and fun! It gives your child physical room to move around and emotional space. If you have this meeting in a small restaurant or room the child can feel a lot of pressure.

Fruit Picking:  Check your city for the nearest farms for fruit picking. There are orange and apple orchids and berry fields all over the place. The great thing about fruit picking is that the farms will most likely provide all the supplies you need for a minimal cost. This is a great option for weekend meetings; it is very relaxed and something different that everyone can do together.

Picnic in the Park: Make some tasty treats and grab a blanket. Head to your local park and relax on the grass. Bring some bread to feed the ducks; also most parks have fun things to participate in like small farmer markets, swings or paddle boats. Being outdoors is great for everyone…less pressure and more options.

Go Karts: This is something to awaken the kid inside of us all. Most go kart places have other games like bumper boats, miniature golf or arcade games. This is an exciting and easy meeting date and it can be paired with a trip to a yummy pizza parlor and a visit to the ice cream shop.

Remember to keep it fun and light hearted. If you make it a serious event, your child will feel uncomfortable.

No matter how you became a single father, your child most likely has/had a mother already in their life and it is important that they understand that their mother is not being replaced. And fathers of daughters, you need to tread extra lightly; girls are girls no matter what age. Jealousy is very common in daughters.

The best thing to do is to make this meeting easy and fun, keep it short and everything will be fine. Keep in mind that first meetings don’t always go so well, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work out. Give it some time and have fun with it!

“Dad, He’s my Boyfriend”; Preparing your Kids for the Opposite Sex

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As a dad there are several things that can cause stress.

The mortgage, the job, random bug infestations…all of which have ways of being resolved.

How about child related stress?

There’s the endless messes, the screaming, the crying…and of course, the opposite sex.

As a dad of three girls, the last point gives me pause.

Having once been an adolescent, I know first-hand the perils that lie before me.

That’s not to say that every little boy is a deviant spawn of Satan (that’s the daddy of daughters talking again). But, the issue of sexuality in boys is a very different beast than that found in girls.

As a young man, void of the Christian convictions that I enjoy today, I recall my intentions towards the opposite sex. And unfortunately, many of those intentions were cause to make a father worry.

Even with a mom that taught me to respect women, the lack of a solid fatherly example left a huge chasm in relating to the fairer sex.

Then you add on the highly sexualized nature of our society, the accessibility of things like pornography, and the trivial mindset we have towards relationships, and…enter the nauseous feeling in my gut.

It’s Like Walking a Tightrope

Like the majority of parenting, coaching your kids through appropriate relationships with the opposite sex can be precarious.

Just like a tightrope, leaning too drastically towards one side causes you to lose your perspective and eventually plummet to your death…well not literally, but you get the point.

As parents, you’ve probably witnessed real life examples of this.

On one side you have the parents that adorn their kids with GPS and a shock collar. On the other you have those that slap a condom in their child’s hand and cross their fingers in hopes that they don’t have too use it.

It certainly doesn’t take a rocket scientist to acknowledge that both of these options lack something to be desired.

The trick is to keep your balance and stay consistent in your messaging. And by the way, you might want to try to conduct yourself in a way that encourages the behavior that you want them to emulate. Just a crazy thought…

So what does it Look Like?

As not to propagate a pipe-dream, there is no magical formula.

However, there are some solid principles that will aid you in your journey.

  1. Remain active in the lives of your kids. You can’t correct something when you have no clue what’s going on.
  2. Talk openly about sexuality in your home. Armed with a biblical perspective of sex and relationships, I encourage dialog that allows me to teach my daughters about appropriate interaction and the pitfalls of sexuality being misapplied.
  3. Train your kids in the nuances of male and female sexuality. Boys and girls are wired very differently and with good reason. But, these differences can have devastating consequences if handled with ignorance.
  4. Live out the example. This cannot be overstated. If you want to teach your kids how to interact with the opposite sex, in the right way, with the right intentions, then show them. Trust me, your kids are wise to your hypocrisy.
  5. Educate yourself. If you’re going to teach your kids then you need to know the material. Read books, subscribe to a blog, and spend time with those wiser than yourself.

With the understanding that the opposite sex can both build up and destroy, you can’t afford to be a lukewarm dad. You need to commit…no matter the challenge.

How have you done in this area?

Do you have some insights that might help?

Maybe this has been a strength in your parenting?

Maybe it has been a real burden?

Regardless of your experience, I encourage you to give us our thoughts in the comments section. Some true and honest conversation will benefit us all.