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A Dad, Unplugged

February 10, 2012 By Keagan Pearson 4 Comments

I have a friend, in his mid-30’s, who just recently revealed to me that he didn’t have his first cell phone until a few years ago.

If you had seen my expression, you would have probably thought that he had confessed to secretly being a woman.

If he needed to make an urgent call, and he wasn’t at work or at home…he did the unthinkable…he stopped at a payphone.

Now, I’m not traditionally foul-mouthed, but a profanity laced diatribe nearly slipped passed my lips.

A PAYPHONE?!

I haven’t used a payphone since the mid-90’s!

I honestly couldn’t think of functioning without the ability to send a quick text, or make a quick call.

In the context of today’s technology, most would find it difficult being unable to send a quick tweet or an update to their Facebook page…let alone making a phone call.

It is instant gratification on steroids.

A Dose of the Old

As the story goes…when you cling tightly to something, you inevitably get the opportunity to do without it.

A couple of weeks ago I found myself without a day-job, and as often happens, the cell phone went with it.

So, for the last couple of weeks I have been limping by with a home phone and an occasional use of my wife’s iPhone.

I’m not looking for pity here…but it has been a trial, and painfully so.

For the first few days I actually kept feeling my pant pocket, thinking that I had left my phone somewhere. Nope…I simply didn’t have one!

Add that to my daughters’ probing questions of, “Dad, why are you always taking mommy’s phone when you leave the house”?

At least I’ve been taking the pink cover off before I leave.

Assessing Our Dependency

My life unplugged, as I’ve been calling it these days, has got me thinking.

People survived for generations without the modern conveniences of today.

In reality, the smartphone has only been in existence for the last few years, but somehow we can barely function without it.

Yes, it’s less convenient.

And no, I have not decided to regress back to a cellphone-free existence.

However, there are a few things that I am trying to enjoy in its absence.

The Pavlov-esk response to the ding of a text message or email.
The semi-comfort of knowing that I am “off the grid”.
The fact that paying for a home phone actually makes sense now.
The knowledge that I can live through heroin-style withdraws.
The presence of mind to know when something has become too important.

Try Some Life Unplugged

Now, I wouldn’t recommend becoming unemployed for the sake of taking a hiatus from your cell phone.

But, if you find yourself without one, embrace it.

Just take one sage piece of advice from me. Please take the pink cover off before you leave the house.

A Good Book of Bad Habits

November 25, 2011 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

Every once in a while you run across a book that surprises you.

I am certainly not a book snob, but I have a tendency to stick to a particular style of book. One that causes you to ponder deep thoughts…and maybe one that changes you a bit in the process.

That’s why my initial thoughts of reviewing Hawkins and Laube’s “The Book of Bad Habits” were lukewarm.

Thankfully, the process of writing causes me to be open to things that I wouldn’t have been otherwise.

It Runs the Gamut

I have read few…scratch that…I have read zero books that cover topics from peeing in the shower to taking drugs.

Being that the book is meant to guide young (and not so young) men and women through the perils of misplaced (or misapplied) tendencies, it stands to reason that it would cover everything from the vile to the sophisticated.

More importantly to me, it does so with a laugh and some attention to the gross reality of our quirks and eccentricities.

And with that, the funny anecdotes are delivered alongside some strong factual expertise by Dr. Laube…who happens to be an M.D.

I mean, as a dad, I find it very useful to know that when my 4 year-old passes gas that’s loud and obnoxious, I don’t have to dawn the gas mask and retardant spray.

And who doesn’t want to fully understand that the:

“German Sociologist Norbert Elias, in his two-volume “The Civilizing Process“, records prohibitions against spitting from the Middle Ages to 1910?”

Take-Away’s to Teach Your Kids

So what did I glean from this read?

We all have a little adolescent in us. We may grow older but that doesn’t exclude us from doing some of the same things we tell our kids not to do.
That there’s a need for the heavy and the lighthearted. We can, and should, teach our kids about the dangers of drug use, while at the same time teaching them the need to avoid “Slobdom”.
That common sense is still king. When in doubt, teach your kids to use that squishy grey thing in between their ears.
That even in today’s world, courtesy still matters to people. Even with the mellowing of old-fashioned values, most people still find value in our polite efforts. Personally, my girls will know that it means something when a man opens a door for them.
That you can’t temp physics. When you place a 4,000 lbs. car in a collision with a person…the car always wins. So, let’s watch where we’re walking shall we!

What Now?

First things first…buy the book. It is a quick read that will make you laugh and equip you with some nuggets that will teach you and your kids.

Next, subscribe to the blog. There are some great insights within many topics…and it’s well worth freeing up some email space.

If you’re on Facebook then why not give them a like? It’s worth the two seconds and you’ll find some topics that may spark your interest.

And, for those using Twitter, follow them. My guess is that you’ll get a chuckle in the process.

Finally, happy reading…and good luck with those bad habits!

The Pitfalls of Parenting in “Generation Me”

May 14, 2011 By Keagan Pearson 7 Comments

You know you’re a narcissist if:

You snap at your kids for interrupting your all important Facebook update.

Your ability to have fun with your family is dependent on how you “feel” at the moment.

Your sense of accomplishment has more to do with your effectiveness at work than your effectiveness at home.

Your creativity and passions are only exercised in solitude.

At the root…it’s all about you.

Sound Familiar?

I have a close relationship with a person like this. It may not characterize him completely, but there are times when it’s unmistakable.

To be honest, it is pretty hard to be around when “Mr. Narcissism” decides to show up. I’ve even thought about saying something…but I don’t think he would listen.

What’s really scary is that I can see his kids paying close attention when the worst arrives. They are riveted by it. And why not, they love their dad!

It’s humbling to admit, but I am that man…if only for a moment.

“Generation Me”

I first heard this term used by Dr. Jean Twenge, a professor at San Diego State University. In fact, the term found its place as the title of one of her books.

Generally, it refers to those who were born in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. The millennial’s, as they are also known.

A broad generalization? That’s possible.

But I am a product of this generation, and a parent to boot.

That means that I am raising kids in the midst of one of the most entitlement centric eras of our time. Our narcissism has a very attentive audience.

Overcoming the Perils of “I”

Although it is a sobering account, and maybe one that holds only partial truth for you, Dr. Twenge’s view of narcissism is intriguing.

Take a few minutes and read the FAQ she did for another book she co-wrote, titled “The Narcissism Epidemic.”

Thankfully, narcissism has varying degrees. Most of us don’t exhibit full-blown narcissism, but the problem is that our comparisons to others keep us from simple investigation.

But what do you do? You could go to the extreme and do without any “me” time. Or, maybe your best bet is to just embrace your drive for self-fulfillment.

I can’t say that either of those sounds very promising.

How do you avoid teaching neglect and self focus to your kids?

1. Understand the underlying cause. According to Warren B. Seiler Jr. M.D., narcissism finds its origin in unmet needs. This doesn’t mean unrestrained doting, but when physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs aren’t met, a focus on self is close to follow.

2. Quality and quantity matter. Dr. Seiler specifically mentions the two as inseparable. Quality is great, but without an ample “quantity of quality time” there are fewer opportunities to encourage physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological growth.

3. Make sure to say no. Seiler also indicates when the important needs are met a child will understand and benefit from dismissing a request. These situations are actually very important to the development of a healthy, non-narcissistic child.

4. Lead by example. Shocker! Our kids will model the behavior that we live in front of them. The great thing is that we can have a profound, positive affect as well. Seiler writes that “They will naturally direct their energies towards the welfare of others and being aware of and ministering to the feelings and needs of others to the degree that their needs are completely met by their parents.”

The Apple…Well, you Know

As dads, our needs are certainly important. We need to spend time tending to them. But our kids must see that we are willing to sacrifice for them.

They need to see that they are worth our time and energy. That it isn’t always fun or convenient to care for another person. That self-denial is God-given and necessary.

It is in these moments that we show them the true motives of our hearts.

Beyond that, most things pale in comparison.

The Social Media Time-Suck: Robbing Creators of their Creativity

April 20, 2011 By Keagan Pearson 5 Comments

As people who create, the time spent producing something is the most valuable thing that we can do.

It takes time and energy.

If that weren’t enough…there is the time that we need to spend promoting our content. Facebook, Twitter, Youtube…they all take something from us.

However, the danger in promoting our content on these platforms is often the unproductive time we spend outside of the actual promotion.

Without too much difficulty, I am sure that you can remember the last time a quick post plug turned in to a forty five minute span of nothingness.

With primary careers, wives and children, the time that we have to create something worthwhile is limited.

So here is a little video encouragement for you.

Keep creating…and make sure to weigh in with your thoughts and suggestions!

Spying: A Violation or Just Good Parenting?

October 28, 2010 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

It’s amazing how much discussion can be initiated when it gets a little attention!

Several weeks ago I participated in a television news spot and an online panel surrounding social media and the family. Since that time, I have been drawn into some interesting conversations about the depth of a parent’s involvement in their kids’ social lives.

Some have agreed that it’s a parent’s responsibility to know what their kids are doing and to do it with them. Others have drawn on the outrage of their past lives. Because of obsessive parents, they have become “hands off.” Still, others have combined these two and developed a strategy of stealth parenting. By breaking out the camouflage face paint and lurking in the bushes, they believe that they are affording a sense if privacy without the unfortunate after taste.

What Kind Of Parent Are You?

Now, I admit that the social lives of my daughter’s are pretty benign, and on the web they’re non-existent. For them, a solid social event involves a play date that doesn’t end with soiled clothing.

However, my oldest is growing older at light speed. I am not entirely sure how it happened, but eating random things off the floor has now transitioned in to meticulous grooming and preening. To say that she has become aware of her ability to do things on her own would be an understatement!

I have officially started to get the horrified looks when I ask if she needs help getting dressed. Not to mention the apparent ignorance that I display when I attempt to refill her water cup. She is five going on eighteen and I hear it when I fail to remember.

But, along with this growing maturity has come an ability to explain why dad needs to be involved in certain things. I can quickly prove that the complicated fastening system on her dress needs my attention. Likewise, she understands the reason why dad insists on hand holding when we are near a busy street.

It is pretty juvenile at this point, but it translates very well in to discussions with older kids nonetheless.

Instead of sneaking the Facebook password or eavesdropping on phone calls, open up a dialog with them!

Explain how the monitoring software on the computer protects them from predators and cyber bullying….and from themselves at times. In short, make sure that they understand the “why” in your actions.

You need to build trust with your kids, but that doesn’t happen when you go government agent on them. Nor does it happen when you become a buddy and fail to be their parent.

Just A Little Aside

If there is one thing that I have learned, both as a kid and as a dad, it is that all of this needs to be done in a manner that is considerate of age and past behavior.

Your responsible 18 year-old should probably have more latitude than that of your reckless tween; unless of course you’re hoping for resentment….and possible bloodshed.

If your kids demonstrate that they can handle more wiggle room, then give it to them. That will build trust and it will give you some great teaching moments along the way.

Social Media Security and What It Means for Your Kids

September 29, 2010 By Keagan Pearson 1 Comment

In the spirit of practical exercises, think about the last article or blog post you read on the topic of social media. Regardless of the expertise of the author, it seems that there is always a sense of the unknown just beneath the surface.

The fact of the matter is that social media as we know it is relatively new. Yes, I have read the theories of social media tracing back to WWII, or more recently, ARPANET, but we are living in a very different age today….regardless of the exact origin.

For most of us, social media became real and integrated into our lives when we set up our Facebook account, tweeted our first tweet, or decided to set up that blog that we thought would make us famous. As exciting as it was, this is also the time when we opened ourselves and our families to a level of exposure unknown to the “un-famous.”

I will admit that while my daughters are still a little young to be interested in social media, my involvement requires a certain level of diligence. With a few clicks of the mouse you can find horrific stories of kids being lured into compromising situations. What once required a lot of work on behalf of some nefarious character, can now be disguised as a harmless friend or relative.

As dads, we need to have a game plan!

Get Out In Front

The worst possible thing any parent can be is reactionary. This is especially true when we are talking about something of consequence like our kids’ safety.

So plan! If your children are merely at the cusp of social media involvement then you need to get your mind made up. Develop talking points around the pitfalls and dangers involved. Ask yourself what age is appropriate for a Facebook account. How tight should the security settings be? What are the rules for accepting “friend requests?” Will you insist on them “friending” you for a time?

If you are a parent of an existing social media guru…then by all means get going! You are the parent, but remember that kids do appreciate being part of the solution. Make sure that they understand your reasoning and then let them take part in setting the parameters.

Setting rules and developing expectations late in the game is going to be challenging but completely doable.

What About Tech Help?

I know what you’re thinking! “This is good in theory but how can I possibly keep track of all this?” My answer: rely on the incredibly smart people who do it for a living.

There are several companies that offer technology specifically for the purpose of monitoring online activity.

A few of them are:

Whether you want to get incredibly detailed or just monitor for harmful interactions, there are products that can help. If you are like most parents, the easier it is, the more likely we are to take action.

Besides, who doesn’t like a helping hand?