God

Becoming a Slacker; Why Fatherhood Sometimes Demands it

July 31, 2011 By Keagan Pearson 12 Comments

Those that read this blog regularly would be hard pressed to accuse me of not being an advocate of creative expression.

Having written about passionate pursuits for our kids and ourselves (as dads), I believe that fathers play a vital role here.

Not only do we provide practical guidance by leading them towards their dreams, but we also guide them by how we follow ours as well.

However, the rub comes when our dreams begin to edge out our attention to family…leading us to a strange kind of absorption.

Suddenly we find that our focus is “the pursuit”.

Unfortunately, the higher calling of being a husband and a dad takes a backseat to “our” dreams.

So, what do I suggest?

I say that we become a little more slacker’ish.

A Snapshot of Slackerdom

As is the case with everything I write, I try to actually practice my own advice.

For instance, the fact that this is only the second time that I have posted this month isn’t just a coincidence.

While my decision wasn’t specific to an exact quota, I decided to allow my pursuits to bend to those of my family. In short, I accepted that being a slacker in my writing was okay…and often necessary.

I would like to say that it’s been easy.

Unfortunately, my frustration over a more complicated life has gotten the better of me at times. Apparently fatherhood doesn’t suffer fools…or those that like a nice light schedule.

But, instead of succumbing to my “mad-dad” persona, I have faced the reality that my writing must take a back seat. With God and family being a priority in my life…this has to be case.

In all honesty, the twisting of our priorities is normally what gets us bent to begin with.

How to Become a Slacker

Surprisingly, the road to becoming a slacker is quite difficult…depending on your drive I suppose.

Of course, this fact only pertains to things that we actually care about. It’s much easier to shirk off yard work or avoid cleaning that shower that seems to have fresh growth in the bottom of it.

But, it’s altogether different to deny yourself of something that you find meaningful and fulfilling.

So, where do you need to become less diligent?

Right off the bat you need to take an assessment of your interaction with your family. Do you find yourself with very little patience when you are doing things together? Chances are that thing you wish were doing is the thing you need to kick in the teeth the most.
Maybe it’s sports…playing or watching.
Maybe you love tinkering with that old car or working in the yard (although I think you may need a psychological intervention if it’s the latter).
It could be that you live for your work.
It’s possible that your interest lies in music or in some other artistic medium.
Maybe your commitments at church are invigorating and you’re constantly drawn back there.
Maybe you long to be on the lake fishing with friends.
It might be that you find volunteering the best way to spend your time.
Maybe you long to travel and a family tends to hinder that.
Maybe you just like being alone.

Reality Bites

It’s a bitter taste when you find out that your “thing” is getting in the way of what really matters.

You can try to rationalize it all you want, but if your passion or pursuit is knocking you down as a dad…you need to set it straight.

Lord knows I’ve tried every trick in the book to get what “I” want.

Maybe now we need to focus on what “they” need.

Your Turn

How are you doing in this area?

Are you kicking butt…or are you the one getting kicked?

Give me your two cents. There will undoubtedly be others that will benefit from your experiences.

A Readers Review: Jim Higley’s “Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew”

February 12, 2011 By Keagan Pearson 1 Comment

You know those moments as a dad when you feel as though it can’t possibly get much worse?

Your work is stressing you out. Weekends and evenings are chaotic at best. The kids seem to tap dance on every exposed nerve in your body. And all the while, time with your wife has been all but decimated.

As unfortunate as it may be, we all go through this kind of thing at some point…and probably multiple times in our lives.

In fact, I was in this specific state myself when I came across some material by a man that I have come to admire. It is actually kind of humorous. Just when self pity begins to set in, God usually thumps you on the head with a reminder that your challenges need some perspective.

For me, perspective came from reading some of the work by Jim Higley.

Suddenly my challenges seemed a little more trivial…valid I admit, but still pretty trivial.

Just A Little Sneak Peak

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and several emails and Twitter conversations later.

Jim had been writing a book that was culminated during a “recuperative summer” following an invasive cancer surgery.

With a release date set for June 2011, Jim requested some help in reviewing an early draft of the book through his Facebook Fan Page.

Of course I was interested! Although I wasn’t the only one to get a sneak peak, I have to admit that I felt a little like Greg Focker being included in “The Circle of Trust.”

What I would come to find out is that Jim has a knack for making everybody feel as though they matter to him. And it wasn’t him boasting about it…but a fact that could only be found in the blank spots just beyond the words.

The Power of Words

Although his book was packed full of insight, struggle, and perseverance, the words that impacted me the most were those that dealt with his response to those things.

Not having dealt with cancer personally, I certainly have had family and friends that have done battle with the disease.

This epidemic has a funny way of creating clarity in the midst of all the chaos.

Page by page, Jim recounted the stages of his diagnoses and recovery. But the cancer really isn’t the protagonist of the book. There was much more emphasis on the life that it emboldened and the memories that it made vivid.

Jim’s infectious zest for life is invigorating and unapologetic. He not only urges you to take an inventory of your priorities, but he opens up the possibility of scrapping them altogether and rebuilding from the ground up.

He proves that life isn’t for the faint hearted, but insists that it can be strengthened through our hardships.

A Little Recommendation for You

So, what should you do about this?

Start by reading Jim’s blog, his column on Triblocal.com, and his contributions on manofthehouse.com.

Secondly, do yourself and favor and follow the progress of his book on his Facebook Fan Page. If fact, you may also want to check him out on Twitter at @jimhigley…for some wise nuggets throughout the day.

Lastly, you need to buy his book when it releases in June! Whether you are a dad or not, you will gain encouragement from his story and his life.

How Alone are You?

August 1, 2010 By Keagan Pearson 2 Comments

Have you ever had that sneaking suspicion that you are the only person on the face of the planet dealing with a particular issue? You know, the kind of problem that has yet to plague any other human being….ever! What brings us to the point of actually being convinced of this? Now, I am not a psychiatrist so I won’t act as though I am. However, I would like to camp on the idea of relational living for a moment, so bear with me.

Wired For Relationships

As a dad, I am privy to the development of relationships in a very raw form. You get to see them bud, then wilt, then flourish again. I know they are often fickle, but the constant in these young relationships is that they yearn to have them. God wired us to be relational. So, why then when we struggle do we feel so alone? If you are like me and you have a family, you are well aware that there are very few moments of solitude (I will insert my wife’s “Amen” here). Suffice it to say that most people probably have friends or family that keeps them from living life in complete loneliness. That being said, maybe it isn’t the number of people we have around us but the depth of those relationships that are at fault.

Bring In The Jackhammer

A few months ago I wrote a post about the necessity for dads to have close relationships with other guys. While I still remain an advocate of this, I sometimes wonder if our family relationships are as deep as they need to be. In theory, our family should be the place where we feel the safest. Regardless of what we are struggling with, we should be able to rely on those closest to us to act as a support to prop us up. In fact, the readers review posts in this blog work towards developing a parenting structure that creates a place of safety and openness for our kids. Unfortunately, it takes ALLOT of work to build a place of non-judgment that fosters this kind of transparency. Imagine what this kind of family would look like. It would be a family where no topic would be taboo. As a parent, your kids would confide in you because you extend an abundance of grace along with holding them accountable for their actions. Your marriage could withstand the good, the bad, and the ugly, simply because your relationship with God would remind you of the forgiveness that you have received. What a foreign concept!

Living A Pipe Dream

How likely are we to live this way though? In pondering this myself I was reminded of the television show Lie To Me. The context of the show consists of a group of facial recognition experts that solve client cases because of their ability to decipher between truth and lie. Because of their profession, one of the characters decides to adopt a life of radical honesty, saying whatever comes to his mind. Now, let’s clarify that there are times when we should keep our mouths shut. Our words can be unbelievably destructive and malicious. However, the concept is kind of refreshing…and maybe a little bit frightening at the same time. Let’s face it, most of us would hesitate to live like this because of our fear of judgment by others. Who wants their dirty laundry out in the open where your family and friends can see it! On the other hand, would we still feel so alone in our struggles if our whole person was known by those we love? Inevitably we would be forced to confront our true selves and not just the persona we live when others are watching.

One Step At A Time

Now before you go frightening your family and friends with new “revelations,” remember that changes take time and little bit of strategy. For instance, begin the change in your family by preparing yourself to be a safe place for others to share. If you create that opportunity for others, then you can expect that others will reciprocate. And if they don’t…well at least you gave them a good scare!

The Story I Want to Live

July 24, 2010 By Keagan Pearson 2 Comments

I suppose that I am not unlike many men who find themselves in the midst of “reality” and “dream.” To one side lies the world of responsibility and to the other lies the longings that plague us when our minds are quiet. Having wrestled with such a theme, Don Miller’s post on living a better story reaffirmed this very personal truth. The post challenged people to contemplate their “story” and then dialog about how his Living a Better Story Seminar could assist in grafting what is and what may be.

Personally, the story I want to live has undergone some changes as of late. Having matured and without overlooking the wonderful blessings that I enjoy, there are certainly aspects of my life that I long to develop. Specifically, I want my writing to become more than fleeing moments of artistic expression. My hope would be to develop my delivery of the written word to such an extent that it would powerfully engage those who come in contact with it. There would be opportunity to further my ministry through this narrative and to do so while supporting my family. The story I want to live is one that artfully employs the talents and abilities that God has given me and to do so in the context of an organization or publication that could use them. Above all, I want the practical applications of my craft to aid in living out a script that upholds my commitment to Christ and to my family.

Conflict Anyone?

The conflict is this…. How do I attain my pursuits while maintaining the balance of a responsible life? As a Christian husband and father, the idea of focusing on myself presents a unique dilemma. Often my knee-jerk reaction is to shy away from lofty pursuits. While my aspirations may not be inherently bad, there is a delicate balance between chasing a dream and actually getting lost in it. Beyond that, there exist the obligations of serving my family by material and emotional means. I am constantly challenged by the proposition of whether or not “living a better story” will hurt or enhance my family….let alone my ability to put food on the table. I guess to some extent, these conflicts create fear; fear of failure, fear of losing my current comforts, even the ridiculous fear of losing the respect of those I care about.

Answers and More Answers

I realize that there are few flawless answers to these conflicts. While I may not have it all figured out, I have taken a few steps that have given me a glimpse of what I have before me. This blog for instance, is a way for me to develop my writing without turning my world upside down all at once. I have also begun to do a little freelance work in order to challenge me professionally. With regard to my current career, and despite it not being a normal function of the job, I have sought out opportunities to write. It is precisely for this reason that Don’s seminar is so intriguing. I would have the opportunity to collaborate with people whose experiences I could identify with. Apart from the inspiration, there would be time to develop practical solutions to some of the big hurdles. Besides, who couldn’t use a little therapy session with several hundred on-lookers?

A Readers Review (Graced Based Parenting.1)

July 8, 2010 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

How different are we? How different are our children?

The remnant of chapter one begins with this theme. Dr. Kimmel uses the adage of “So Little Difference” as a way of focusing our attention on a primary reason for the fear that was mentioned in last weeks post. In the stride of this concept, we find that the sheer self-admittance of our society as being one of “Christian” decent, has proven counterproductive in many ways.

The book points out that the millions of Americans who profess to be Christians have created a counter culture to that of the secular world. Today we have dedicated billions of dollars to brick and mortar institutions with more professionally paid staff to assist us in our Christian walk “than any other nation in the world.” There are Christian bookstores, Christian coffee shops, radio programs, television stations, cruises, and the list goes on. Inherently these things are certainly not bad, but Dr. Kimmel places a very different spin on their outcome.

The book very blatantly draws the correlation between the increased secularization of our society, to the Christian withdrawal from it. In simple terms, the wonderful institutions that we have created, have in many ways, drawn us inward instead of thrusting us outward. Ultimately, Dr. Kimmel theorizes that our creation of this “Christian parallel universe” has had serious negative consequences on the raising of strong Christian children. The point is made that our God-given parental responsibility is to help create adults that reflect the heart of God. This means that the “light” of Christ is to be lived out in our lives and in the lives of our children. This isn’t just for the world inside our churches but more for the world outside its walls.

“Our Maps are Wrong”

With this skewed focus, there comes a series of skewed parenting themes. Dr. Kimmel uses a broad brush to lay out some of the major areas in which parents stumble.

1. Fear-Based Parenting. We fear things like Hollywood, the Internet, the public school system, the gay community, and on and on. With this, “our fears determine our strategy for parenting.” Biblically speaking, the broadest list given by Christ in the Gospels, categorically speaking, is his command to be fearless. Parenting by fear, according to Dr. Kimmel, will produce both intimidated kids and those who lack passion for the lost. In large part, these same kids also become indifferent to the things of God.

2. Evangelical Behavior-Modification Parenting. This philosophy works from the premise that the right environment, information, education, and the absence of negative influences will create better kids. Dr. Kimmel would conclude that this flawed approach draws from incorrect assumptions. First would be the idea that the battle is primarily outside the child (its not) and secondly, that a spiritual life can be thrust onto a child’s heart as though you are downloading information on a hard drive (it can’t). This approach won’t reach much past the surface, which then creates a one-dimensional faith that can’t withstand the assaults from the culture around it.

3. Image-Control Parenting. Oh yes, the favored checklist method of parenting! Taking on the theological moniker of “legalism,” this nifty approach is very easy for parents to fall in to. The idea is that we will raise appropriate offspring by our church attendance, the way we dress, the way we speak, or by the schools we attend. According to Dr. Kimmel, these are all well-meaning decisions as parents but they are made for the wrong reasons. Moreover, we are kidding ourselves if we think that kids don’t understand the difference between living by a checklist and living by our trust in God to lead us through our decision-making. Our kids are young, they are not stupid!

You Liar!

At this point I must come clean and admit that I mislead you all last week. This first chapter has proven to be too rich for just two posts. Consequently, the remaining parenting faux pas, as well as the remaining topics of chapter one, will flow in to the next reader review post(s). I assure you, it will be worth your time!

Responsibility in Doing What We Love

February 7, 2010 By Keagan Pearson Leave a Comment

: Image via Wikipedia

In recent weeks I have found myself participating in exercises (both conversational and written) that have really caused me to assess how engaged I might be in the passions of my life. Of course, the challenge sometimes is uncovering the exact nature of those passions.

As a man and a father, I have been wrestling with the concept of “what makes me tick.” Is this even important, and if it is, what kind of responsibility do I have in developing these areas? More importantly, to whom am I responsible? Should I (or we) be overly concerned with the areas of my life that invigorate me? This is especially poignant if our passions take us outside of our normal, everyday routines.

Through contemplation, prayer, and a good deal of Bible study, I have come to a couple of conclusions. The first being that I should be actively seeking and developing these areas of my life. As husbands and fathers, the responsibility to provide and bring our perceived notion of security to the family, is sometimes our only focus. However, if there is little or no attention paid to that which we gravitate towards, then we risk becoming frustrated with our circumstances.

Secondly, I believe that we have a responsibility to both our children and to God to pursue and develop our talents. For instance, my children need to see that dad has been gifted with certain abilities and that it is my responsibility to use them. If we believe that God has given us unique gifts and talents, then we should be relentless in deploying them, both inside and outside the church.

Finally, we need to integrate our talents in to our everyday lives. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that as fathers and husbands, we cannot often afford to leave our families behind when we seek the things we love. So, bring them along! Figure out how to weave your passions in to family activities. Give them a chance to be part of what you love. Although this may not always be possible, or beneficial for that matter, your wife and kids will appreciate the effort.

You never know, your influence may just lead your kids to pursue the passions God has given them instead of the things that society may expect of them.