Fatherhood Factor

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Marriage

Bad Habits That Can Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

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Most relationships don’t come to an abrupt end over a one-time offense. When couples are really in love with one another and committed, relationships tend to die off due to a series of little problems that kept happening over a long period of time. Though you’d probably never do anything to intentionally hurt the one you love, it can be surprisingly easy to adopt bad habits that slowly start to drain the life out of them and your relationship.

Being aware of these habits and cutting them off before they get out of hand can be the difference between saving your partnership and losing out on one of the best things to ever happen to you. Below are some bad habits you may need to address if you want to maintain a happy and healthy relationship:

Always Being Plugged In

Smartphones are a modern convenience that everyone has. It is essentially a miniature computer with internet access. It enables you to do and explore everything in an instant. It can quickly become a distraction in your relationship. Checking your phone for emails, spending too much time on social media, and a host of other activities could keep you glued to your phone. Your partner can begin to feel neglected, ignored, and taken advantage of.

What to do: You can’t be glued to your phone all the time. It is best to use it in moderation. When you’re with your partner, make it a no phone moment so the two of you can reconnect. Even if the phone use is for work, turning it off for a few hours to give your partner your undivided attention can make all the difference.

Partying Too Much

You and your partner might love to go out and have a good time. Perhaps you even met in a bar or on a club scene. You enjoy going out with friends and indulging in the finest drinks. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having a good time, but if you party too much, it could ruin your relationship. Coming home all hours of the night, increasing your intake of drugs and alcohol, or engaging in dangerous behaviors are all factors that could cause a breakup.

What to do: Everyone enjoys a good time but if your partner has started to express their disdain for your partying ways, you need to scale back. If you’re struggling with substance dependency, the first thing you should be doing is finding a detox center to get clean. Then, reduce your partying to a few times a month. Set curfews, limit drug and alcohol intake, and communicate with your partner so they don’t become worried or stressed.

Snooping

Trust is hard to earn but easily taken away. You may have an inner urge to go snooping through your spouse’s things to make sure they’re not up to no good, but this is a bad habit to form. Checking cell phones, reading social media comments, rummaging through the laundry, and other methods of spying will all come back to bite you in the end. If your partner finds out, whether they’ve been loyal or not, they will no longer trust you.

What to do: As difficult as this advice may be, you need to learn to trust your spouse. If you’re struggling with insecurities or there has been infidelity in the relationship in the past then you should talk about it or seek therapy. If you truly can’t trust your partner, you may need to consider leaving the relationship behind.

No relationship worth having is easy or perfect, but if you want a fighting chance of keeping your love alive then you need to be honest. Identify what bad habits may be contributing to the negative changes in your relationship and then come up with a plan to fix them. Whether it’s going to an alcohol rehab for detox, seeking therapy, or unplugging the cell phone at the end of the night, it’s worth sacrificing for the one you love.

A Parenting Vacation; Why Time Away is Good for You and Your Kids

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Let’s face it, kids take a lot of time…and even more energy. That reality means that we can get ourselves in to a serious mode of depletion.

Just think about your typical week.

On top of working, there’s sports practice and games. Maybe even church events and dance lessons.

Then you add in school activities, homework, family outings…and you begin to see the potential for a nervous breakdown.

Are you there?

If you’re not sure then take this little test.

Think about the last time that you and your wife (or friends if you’re single) had an uninterrupted meal. Was it weeks ago? Months? Years?

If you have small children you are probably on the verge of tears having just contemplated the previous question. If your kids are grown, then you need to wipe that evil grin off of your face…right now!

A Little Advice in Action

Having just come down from a 5-day, kid-free, just me and the wife, vacation high…I know a little something about “parental vacationing.”

At the significant sacrifice of Grandma and Papa, my wife and I attended a marriage conference in a small city about an hour and a half from our home.

Let’s just say that on this side of heaven, it was the closest thing to perfection you can get.

Even with a scorching sunburn on my ghostly white legs, it’s hard to communicate just how restorative it was.

We lounged by the pool and had food brought to us. We slept in as long as we wanted. We even got some really great advice that will help us in our marriage.

I actually unplugged from the digital part of my life…no Twitter, no Facebook, and no blogging. And all this without any heroin-style withdraws!

But most of all, we had some time to talk about our relationship…and the one with our kids.

Now, in order to avoid any hateful emails, let me clarify a few things.

I realize that not everyone has the ability to get away for five days. This is especially true for those of you that don’t have family just around the corner.

However, you still need to make time away a priority. Even if it means sending the kids to a friend’s house overnight…or a nice evening away for dinner and a movie.

The Rest Effect

So you think time away sounds nice…and maybe you have even put some plans in place to get away.

But what can you expect from your time of freedom? Better yet, what can your kids expect?

I would say that with all likelihood the expectation would be:

  • A chance to slow down and actually reflect on your marriage, friendships, and kids.
  • The opportunity to assess your effectiveness as a dad and a husband.
  • The chance to talk with your spouse (if you’re married) and weed out activities that push you apart instead of bringing you together.
  • To actually get some sleep.
  • For your kids to appreciate the stability and support you bring to the family.
  • A chance to create, tweak, or overhaul your parenting strategy.
  • To regain the calm, collected, patient, non-vein popping, non-red faced persona you used to have.
  • To appreciate the joy and satisfaction that kids have added to your life.
  • A chance to eat a meal without kids perched next to you with their mouths gaping wide…like little scavengers awaiting their next bite.
  • A chance to put it all in perspective.

This may sound like a lot to contemplate. And it probably is if you’re simply heading out for a nice dinner.

But at times, even a nice dinner can allow you to regain your composure.

Save the headier topics for your next over-night trip or weekend excursion.

Just make sure that you are purposeful about your time away.

Your kids will love the person you become when you’re willing to take a “time-out” for yourself now and then.

What to do when Ambition is Assaulting your Marriage

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Culturally speaking, the American man is expected to be ambitious.  Absent all other measures, ambition is the metric that often dictates our degree of success.

To support this theory (in case you needed some persuasion), do a quick Google search with the phrase “Marriage and Ambition.”  You will find that the first three pages of your search results are focused heavily on the lack of male ambition.

Pretty definitive right?  But, did you notice something else?  A large proportion of the results deal with the apparent disgust that wives and girlfriends have for their unmotivated counterparts.

Just take a look at the number one search result.  This MSNBC response column to a piece by Dr. Gail Saltz, listed response after response of women who are genuinely horrified at the lack of vocational drive in their men.

So, dads…how should we interpret this message?

If we are fighting for that next promotion or pursuing a more substantial education, then our priorities are in line and success in life should be ours…right?

Do you subscribe to this kind of methodology?  Or…better yet, does your wife?

The Tightrope of Pursuit

In my marriage, there is a definite balance between ambition and contentment.  In fact, I polled my wife and asked her to critique me on my level of ambition.

It was a simple question, “Do you find that I am overly ambitious, or not enough?”

Here response?  Well…let’s just say that it was a mixed bag.

When it comes to my personal pursuits (writing, career trajectory, exercise) I am very ambitious.  Maybe a little overly ambitious from her perspective.  However, when it comes to things that I may not find stimulating or personally fulfilling (house cleaning, card games, certain family activities, etc.) then I have very little ambition.

Ultimately, her perspective is that I have a propensity to be “selfishly driven.”

It certainly isn’t the kind of thing a husband likes to hear, but I can honestly say that I didn’t expect her to answer much differently.  Without me softening the blow with some self-censorship, these are my tendencies.

Ambition, it seems, can be volatile in the extremes of either direction.

When Ambitions are Challenged

Being that ambition is intrinsically an internal matter, what can you do when it becomes too much, or not enough?

If you are like me, your ambition (or absence of it) can be stifling to those around you.

When you find this being the case:

  1. Be a student of your ambition. If you know what makes you tick, then you are much more likely to be able to enact, reduce, or redirect your ambition towards activities that strengthen your relationship.
  2. Determine if your drive (or lack thereof) is stemming from selfishness. If you are being a selfish jerk…just call it like it is!  You will be surprised at how easily you can change when you’re forced to identify yourself with something that’s less desirable.
  3. Challenge your sense of what’s important. Often you will find that your pursuits pale in their importance when placed next to something that’s more substantial.
  4. Look at the bigger picture. Let’s face it…that new promotion, or conversely, your lack of motivation to find work, does not take place of being an engaged husband or putting food on the table.
  5. Be willing to hear and accept constructive criticism. You need to be man enough to listen to your bride when your pursuits are hurting them.  It may be tough to take, but if you have been successful at point number one, then it shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

Marriage’s Reality

Guess what?  Being married is a selfless partnership…and so it should be.

Although I am far from becoming the poster boy for a perfectly balanced husband, I am learning at every turn.

How about you?  Is your ambition in check?

Can you share something that might be of use to other readers?

Whether you have failed miserably or seen great success, I encourage you to be part of the dialog.

There is certainly strength in our collective experiences!

What Comes First, Kids or Marriage?

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So, you’ve found yourself in the cross-hairs of an age old dilemma.  In front of you there are two seemingly impossible choices: the clanging voices of your children, and the faint, sometimes silent, hints your wife drops when she needs your attention.  Make the wrong move and you could pay with your life!

Alright, this may be a little dramatic, but the decision is real nonetheless.  The life of a husband and father is one that requires a delicate balance.  There are a lot of things that compete for our time but none more pressing than the family.  The question is not “who do you love more,” but rather, “where should your priorities lie?”

The Un-Natural Order Of Things

In talking with other dads there seems to be a common theme in what we view to be the norm.  We gravitate towards the group whose voices are the loudest.  If you have kids, it means you probably have a laser focus on fixing whatever is making them scream.  The wife on the other hand, is usually much more subtle.  You won’t normally find her competing for your attention.  I mean seriously, she is probably outrunning you to tend to the kids any way.

Kids just have a way of becoming the focal point of the family.  Beyond the obvious reality that your children have a lot of immediate needs, their lives often become your world.  This seems like the appropriate way to go right?  Think about it…if you are truly a good parent, won’t you spend the bulk of your time pouring yourself in to raising them the right way?

Bucking The System

First, let me preface what I am about to say with me admitting that there are few things in this world that I love more than my daughters.  If you are a parent, then I am sure you’re nodding in agreement.  I also admit that raising kids is an undertaking that cannot be rivaled.  It is the most exhausting and rewarding thing that a man will ever do.  You undoubtedly need an unshakable resolve to be there for them.

However, I think we have gotten off course a bit.  There was a certain “somebody” that existed before the kids came along and one you hope will be there when they have gone.  In fact, your family was complete when you said “I do.”  It’s shocking isn’t it!  Could there actually be life outside of your children?

I would even go as far as to say that you are raising your kids with some serious deficiencies if they are the center of your universe.  If you don’t show them what a healthy marriage looks like, where will they learn it?  If dad doesn’t make it a priority to spend time with mom, then why would your kids do anything different?  Our kids need to see that our marriages carry the weight of the family.  If that fails, then the family fails.

Don’t Be A Poser

If you are serious about being a dad then do yourself a favor and don’t fake it!  Your kids won’t be ignorant forever.  Eventually they will recognize that mom and dad are just pretending.

The idea is to make sure that your kids see that mom (or dad, for you ladies out there) is a priority.  So plan dates (I suck at this one).  Make some “kid free” time at home to talk about each other’s day.  You may even want to get really crazy and spend an entire night away!

Whatever it is, be purposeful….and make sure your kids know the reason why.

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Sex, Marriage, and "The Boogie Man"

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Best Kept Secret

If you were to be asked to write down the top five marriage struggles that come to mind what would you list?  Money?  Children?  The in-laws?  Maybe you would pick communication or the demands of work?  But how many of you would select sex…or the lack thereof for you “guys” reading this?

For all the joking attention that this topic receives, it carries allot of weight in a marriage.  So where does it go wrong?  I could write about the lack of romance or the busyness of our lives, but I will leave that to the slew of others that have covered those topics well.  Instead, I think the Boogie Man is increasingly to blame.

Let me explain….

About a year ago, I ran across an eye-catching post from a popular Christian blogger named Tim Challies titled Sexual Detox: Pornifying The Marriage Bed.  Although the title was intriguing I never got around to reading the piece until a few days ago.  By this time, Tim had turned his series in to a free 28 page e-book (sexual-detox-a-guide-for-the-married-guy) that I devoured in one sitting.  As a husband and father, and more importantly as a Christian man, this is a topic of particular significance.  In a nutshell, the book deals with the issue of pornography and its devastating impact on the lives of men and that of their wives (whether present or future).

Just like the Boogie Man, pornography is often referenced only in closed circles as a joke among friends.  The hushed mentality however, makes it one of the best kept secrets of destroyed marriages.

Secular vs. Sacred

Like any good student, I have gotten insight from an array of perspectives.  I have talked with people who share my faith, those that don’t, and those that think pornography actually has its benefits.  So what did I learn?  That the vast majority of people (whether Christian or not) see the inherent danger involved in pornography.  Although there are some that give it a try, you would be hard pressed to find a logical, well thought out argument on the rosy attributes of porn….or at least one that couldn’t be immediately counteracted by a more substantiated claim.  But if that is the case, then why is an industry that brings in $14 billion in yearly revenue continue to thrive and grow?  While I am tempted to offer up a theological explanation (with the hope that some would contemplate this themselves), I thought it more appropriate to lay out some advice/realities that wouldn’t draw on required biblical knowledge.

1. Read Tim Challies’ Sexual Detox E-Book

Yes, his book is biblically based and written from the Christian world-view, but it is also chalked full of great insights into the misconceptions of porn and what it does to a marriage relationship.

2. She Really Does Care

I don’t care how “open” your relationship is with your wife.  She cares that you are ogling another woman!  This is one of the most fascinating lies that I have ever heard.  It is entirely inhuman to assume that a woman that you have committed your life to would find it “okay” to have her husband sharing what should be a very intimate encounter, with another woman, whether on screen or in person.

3. “Here’s Your Brain On Porn”

As much as we would advocate against drug use, we should use the same approach when it comes to porn consumption.  I recently ran across an article on Web MD that referenced a Senate subcommittee hearing that took place in 2004, where it was described that the effects of pornography on the brain was equivalent to that of using cocaine.  Certainly the physical toll is different, but the inherent impact on the brains neurological receptors is very similar.  This offers strong evidence to the notion that porn has some intense addictive properties.

4. Reality Is Never Enough

How can your wife ever live up to the manufactured, air brushed, inflated, and altogether unnatural appearance that pornography creates?  The reality is that when these images and acts are consumed it warps your sense of what’s real.  Consequently, the beautiful woman that you share your life with no longer measures up and just about everything in that relationship becomes substandard and inadequate.

5. Come Clean And Talk About It

If you have issues with this then you need to come clean and talk about it.  In the worst scenarios people have lost all that is dear to them because of porn.  The idea that you can just put the problem aside and it will magically disappear is very naive.  It may not take psychological intervention but at the very least it will require you to contemplate a serious shift in mindset that demands an open dialog.

6. Remove Temptations

If you were trying to avoid eating sweets then you probably wouldn’t stock your fridge full of Snickers right?  The same is true for pornography.  Remove your access by ridding yourself of the product.  Now, what about all of you folks that live and work on the Internet (is there anyone that doesn’t)?  Become accountable to a friend or a family member that will really kick you in the butt if need be.  In fact, why not be accountable to your wife?  If anyone is prepared to deliver a timely throat strike because of porn, it would certainly be your bride!

Who Cares Anyway?

In short, we all should care.  At its base, pornography attempts to neutralize and eliminate the effectiveness that a man has as a husband and father.  As a man that was introduced to porn at a relatively young age, I can attest to its sustaining impact.  I may not have lost my family or piled up mountains of debt, but I have had to deal with and repair the warped mindset that it creates.  Let me attest to the fact that it does not need to take the most extreme forms of exposure to have an impact.  All it really takes is access and a personality that’s dismissive enough to doubt its ability to stick.

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How Alone are You?

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Have you ever had that sneaking suspicion that you are the only person on the face of the planet dealing with a particular issue?  You know, the kind of problem that has yet to plague any other human being….ever!  What brings us to the point of actually being convinced of this?  Now, I am not a psychiatrist so I won’t act as though I am.  However, I would like to camp on the idea of relational living for a moment, so bear with me.

Wired For Relationships

As a dad, I am privy to the development of relationships in a very raw form.  You get to see them bud, then wilt, then flourish again.  I know they are often fickle, but the constant in these young relationships is that they yearn to have them.  God wired us to be relational.  So, why then when we struggle do we feel so alone?  If you are like me and you have a family, you are well aware that there are very few moments of solitude (I will insert my wife’s “Amen” here).  Suffice it to say that most people probably have friends or family that keeps them from living life in complete loneliness.  That being said, maybe it isn’t the number of people we have around us but the depth of those relationships that are at fault.

Bring In The Jackhammer

A few months ago I wrote a post about the necessity for dads to have close relationships with other guys.  While I still remain an advocate of this, I sometimes wonder if our family relationships are as deep as they need to be.  In theory, our family should be the place where we feel the safest.  Regardless of what we are struggling with, we should be able to rely on those closest to us to act as a support to prop us up.  In fact, the readers review posts in this blog work towards developing a parenting structure that creates a place of safety and openness for our kids.  Unfortunately, it takes ALLOT of work to build a place of non-judgment that fosters this kind of transparency.  Imagine what this kind of family would look like.  It would be a family where no topic would be taboo.  As a parent, your kids would confide in you because you extend an abundance of grace along with holding them accountable for their actions.  Your marriage could withstand the good, the bad, and the ugly, simply because your relationship with God would remind you of the forgiveness that you have received.  What a foreign concept!

Living A Pipe Dream

How likely are we to live this way though?  In pondering this myself I was reminded of the television show Lie To Me.  The context of the show consists of a group of facial recognition experts that solve client cases because of their ability to decipher between truth and lie.  Because of their profession, one of the characters decides to adopt a life of radical honesty, saying whatever comes to his mind.  Now, let’s clarify that there are times when we should keep our mouths shut.  Our words can be unbelievably destructive and malicious.  However, the concept is kind of refreshing…and maybe a little bit frightening at the same time.  Let’s face it, most of us would hesitate to live like this because of our fear of judgment by others.  Who wants their dirty laundry out in the open where your family and friends can see it!  On the other hand, would we still feel so alone in our struggles if our whole person was known by those we love?  Inevitably we would be forced to confront our true selves and not just the persona we live when others are watching.

One Step At A Time

Now before you go frightening your family and friends with new “revelations,” remember that changes take time and little bit of strategy.  For instance, begin the change in your family by preparing yourself to be a safe place for others to share.  If you create that opportunity for others, then you can expect that others will reciprocate.  And if they don’t…well at least you gave them a good scare!

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Absentee Dad Anyone?

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Before anyone thinks that I have turned in to a slacker, I must vindicate myself from my lack of recent posts.  I have been out of town for several days without much time to contemplate, let alone write.
The extended time away from my family did give me an interesting experience however.  I finally got a taste of what so many families face with a husband and father that must travel for days on end.  Although I suppose that persistent travel could be recreational (what a tough gig that would be), my thoughts rested primarily on those that travel for work.
Thus far, my career has never placed me in a position that required lengthy travel beyond a couple of days.  Consequently, I have been allowed a pretty normal family life.

With that being said, this recent trip reminded me of a decision that I was faced with several years ago.  After a medical issue sidelined an attempt to join the military in my late teens, I began looking for ways that I could serve without having to enlist.  Between my personal reasoning and the concrete truths of The Bourne Identity, I decided that any position with CIA would be right up my alley.

Now, fast forward a few years.  I had graduated college, was happily married, and was preparing for my second daughter.  With the sobering nature of “real life,” I had all but walked away from any thought of achieving this adolescent dream.  Then it happened!  An email from a recruiter at CIA popped up in my inbox.  It politely invited me to fly out to Virginia to go through a barrage of tests, interviews, and a background check that was kind of frightening…even for a relatively good kid.  Needless to say, I thought I hit the lottery!

The hilarious point to this is that I was ready to say yes to anything and I didn’t even know the exact details of the position for which I would be interviewed.  Under the wise and somewhat frantic counsel of my wife, I read the detailed description of the position.  Instead of a nice 8-5 office job, I discovered that I would have been required to “deploy” anywhere in the world without much notice.  If that wasn’t enough, I would have had to leave my family behind if the deployment was less than a year in length!

After my wife came to, we had a good conversation about the “reality” of what this would mean for our family had I been selected.  Truthfully, it was a gut wrenching decision.  I was face to face with a dream that I had never really anticipated coming true.  But, I thank the Lord that the thought of missing huge sections of my daughter’s lives was simply too heavy.  I declined the invitation….and that was that.

During this past week I have envisioned how I would have coped had things been different.  Having been intricately weaved in to the daily life of my family, I honestly had a hard time imagining me not catching those first words or missing those manic hugs that I get hit with when I come home every night.  More than that, I thought of all those dads out there that don’t get to experience these things because of seemingly benign choices.  Just one decision, absent any ill intent, can make that difference between watching your kids grow up or watching your kids grow away.

I just continue to pray that I don’t sacrifice long-term connectedness for short-term gains.

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